Jim's Place

We won this time, Mom...

Well, the IVs are out and I'm resting comfortably in my rehab room, reflecting on the events of a week ago....

When the surgeon showed me the scan of my brain, it was a sobering realization that I was now facing a life or death situation. The tumor was causing massive bleeding, with the hemorrhage doubling in size within a few hours to over 2 inches. The surgeon made it clear that this would be fatal unless he operated immediately and warned that even then it might still be fatal.

I thought about my brother Jerry who we lost at the age of 49 to a stroke. I'll never forget the devastation in my Mom and the family and I just couldn't imagine my brothers and family going through such suffering again. I said a prayer as I told the Doc I was ready to go under. "You do your best to beat this thing Doc and I'll do my best to come through the other side in good shape. He gave me a big thumbs up, knowing from his many years of neurosurgery that a fighting spirit was so crucial in such a critical situation.

Tonight, I'm so grateful to have survived such a storm, but more than anything being able to look up towards Heaven and say "We won this one, Mom. We still might have a big fight ahead, but this time we won...."

Full-on Christmas mode!

Happy Wednesday gang! Hope you're having as much fun as I have been! I'm pretty much in full-on Christmas mode! I've got almost all of my lights up and I'm printing Christmas cards! I usually send out over a 100 cards so I'm going to be plenty busy for the next couple of weeks, before I head back to Texas for Christmas.

I'm a lot like my Mom was about Christmas. Even though she was raising four boys by herself on a secretary's salary, she always made sure Christmas was special for us. We were allowed to put one main gift on our wish list. I remember thumbing through Christmas catalogs night after night dreaming about the big gift I had boldly circled so that Mom couldn't miss it!

Mom made a big event out of decorating the Christmas tree and we were all thrilled to join in. She always put angel hair on the tree, creating a magical glow around each light bulb. You don't see angel hair nowadays, but back then the tree didn't really come alive until you put the angel hair on.

Mom was one heck of a Christmas present wrapper as well. And one thing we really enjoyed was making our own bows. We had a bow-maker where you simply wrapped ribbon around a circular form. Seems like they'd have those now on a late-night infomercial!

Our tradition was to open presents on Christmas Eve, which we, of course, thought was way better than waiting until Christmas Day! It's funny how so many years later, Mom lamented how bad she felt for us - that she hated that we were so poor. But I would remind her that us boys never knew we were poor and most importantly we never FELT like we were poor!

When I opened my big present - a BB gun one year, a model airplane the next - I couldn't have been any happier than if we had a million bucks. I even remember a friend whose family was well-to-do and bought him lots of toys. I was amazed that he was often so bored, with all the cool stuff he had. But I realize now it was a true blessing to only have a few toys growing up. It made me value and appreciate them far more than if they had come too easily. And I think it allowed me to have a lot more fun as well, spending so much time with my one big toy made it truly feel like a treasure.

Mom passed away in 2010, but I know in my heart that she's happy to see me carrying on our Christmas traditions in my own creative way. I believe those Christmases we shared long ago played a big part in me learning how to be a happy camper through thick or thin and helped me learn how to make the most out of every day.

Just before Mom passed away she finally came to terms with her regrets about our chaotic and poor childhoods... "Oh, honey, I fretted so much about money, but I know now that I had the most precious gift of all - my boys. We were a pretty happy family despite it all and I couldn't have asked for more..." Of course, I won't be able to see Mom this Christmas, but I'm doing my best to make sure my Christmas lights are bright enough for her to see them from Heaven! I love you Mom... Thank you so much for always making Christmas special...

Reconnected

Happy Wednesday gang! Hope your week is cruising along! It was another late start for me, again needing a lot of sleep. I had planned to go to the gym but just wasn't up to it. Ideally, I'll be good to go for a workout tomorrow. Geez, hard to believe it's taking so much rest to recover from my trip, but then again that's why it's called Chronic Fatigue Syndrome - duh!

Anyway, I was reflecting on my adventures in Texas... Of course, it meant a lot to visit with my family and friends, but one aspect stood out as particularly meaningful - connection. There's a long history of brokenness and trauma in our family's relationships - most of it because of my Dad. My Mom escaped from his violent behavior with us 4 boys when I was 7 years old - hopping on a bus to leave Bryan and start a new life in Fort Worth...

As a consequence, we were separated from anyone on my Dad's side of the family, which also included my sisters from two subsequent marriages. My Mom struggled to raise her four sons on a secretary's wage which resulted in us changing schools frequently as well as a few months in an orphanage when she had a nervous breakdown. Throw in a three month adventure when my Dad kidnapped us and took us to Wyoming and you can see why we felt so disconnected from any sense of family roots growing up.

So when I met my sisters for dinner the other night it was so much more than just sharing a nice meal. We had grown up apart from each other and didn't reconnect until 2000, so every chance I get to see them means the world to me. It's such a healing experience every time I see them, with every hug and every smile overwriting all those years of separation...

When I met up with a bunch of classmates the other night that I hadn't seen since the 8th grade - 45 years ago - it really hit home that I had been living with much more of a void than I realized. That reconnection with them, my sisters and family brought such a relief to an ailment I didn't even realize I had. Granted, I was aware that when a kid goes through so much chaos there's bound to be a feeling of isolation or separation from the world. But even though the adult in me had come to terms with that sense of loss and disconnection many years ago, I really felt the kid in me feeling so happy that finally he had reconnected with those friends and family that he never could really let go of...

My heart goes out to the countless children from broken homes and those who experienced trauma. Worldly wisdom often dismisses the effects of divorce and abuse, harping on the claim that children are resilient and will adapt. Generally that's true, but what tends to be overlooked is how much they suffer. Often that suffering lasts a lifetime and often is hidden behind a smile that gives no clue to the deep pain within.

I'm lucky. Early on I reached out to God and felt His presence comforting and strengthening me. My prayer is that everyone in my family is able to experience that same healing presence of the Holy Spirit. Frankly, it's that connection that has been the main reason that I've been able to be a happy camper through all these years...even during those times when I felt so separate and disconnected from the world... :)

A mother's love...

Happy Saturday guys! It's a nice sunny day in San Diego. Wish you were here! I sure am fortunate to live in such a nice climate. Most of my favorite activities would just about come to a halt in a harsher climate - which reminds me that a lot of my friends have no idea how this Texas boy ended up in California...

In the summer of 1980, a high school friend invited me to come out to visit him. I'll never forget that day in July... after driving through over 1300 miles of scorching heat, I reached the outskirts of San Diego. I rolled down the window and was stunned to feel the cool breeze blowing off the Pacific. And I immediately noticed that it was simply easier to breathe than the stifling hot and humid air l left in Texas - which had always made my asthma worse growing up.

I had only intended to visit my friend for a couple of weeks and then head back to Fort Worth. I had no idea of the challenges ahead... that I would decide to stay - even though I was down to my last dollar with no job and no place to live. But at the age of 25, I didn't see it as overwhelming but rather an adventure I wanted to experience - and a chance to find out what I was really made of...

I quickly learned that my 1976 Cutlass was pretty comfortable to sleep in. I figured out where the nearest plasma center was and how to make the most out of the $16 a week they gave me for a couple of pints of blood. I learned to be grateful for even the most menial and temporary of jobs. And along with other tricks for survival, I learned that a jar of peanut butter and a loaf of bread could last you a week - one of the few food choices that didn't require cooking or refrigeration.

It was tough at times, but since I chose this adventure I was pretty much a happy camper - literally! - those 4 months that I lived in my car. Eventually, I got a telephone sales job where I made enough money to rent a room in an old shabby house - but it felt like a swanky hotel to me!

And in 1983, when Mom found the money so that I could go back to school, I knew this was my one big chance to "make it". I poured my heart and soul into every class, averaging a 99 all the way through the 17 months straight of night classes at a tough computer school - Coleman College - while working during the day. Finally, in 1985, I had my degree - and finally at the age of 30, I had a career...and new life.

Quite a few years later, Mom revealed to me what she was thinking that moment when she watched me drive away, headed for California. She told me that she knew in her heart that I wasn't coming back... She had been to San Diego before and she was sure I'd be happier there, especially since my asthma would be better. Over the years she summed up her feelings pretty well with a heartfelt explanation "Honey, I'd rather have you far away and happy, than close-by and miserable..."

Mom passed away in 2010, and every day I thank God that I had such an incredible Mom. Mom wasn't one to sit down with me and teach me about life. Instead, she taught me by example... When she grabbed her 4 young sons and escaped from my Dad, she taught me about courage. When she always made ends meet while raising her boys on her own, she taught me about resourcefulness and making the most of every penny. And every day she was a shining example of the persistence and determination of a Mom who loved her sons with all her heart.

But perhaps, the one feat of courage I'll always marvel at is how she smiled through all the emotions churning inside her on that hot summer day in 1980. What an incredible gesture of love it was to let me go... It was breaking her heart to watch me leave - but she loved me so much that she let her boy go so that he could become a man... I love you, Mom... and I always will..

Father's Day 2013

Happy Father's Day everyone! Hope you're enjoying today. I know for many it's a day of mixed feelings because their Dad is in Heaven. But I hope you have fond memories to hold onto, knowing that someday you'll see him again. My Dad wasn't really part of my life after my folks split up when I was 8.

Tom, my stepdad, married my Mom when I was 15. Us boys had gotten used to living without a father figure, leaning on each other to learn things like hunting, fishing, camping, model airplanes. Mom did her best, enlisting the help of Big Brothers, but there was still that void...

Tom stepped in and filled that void, amidst great chaos and the harsh realities of trying to cope with 4 teenage boys who were struggling with deep childhood wounds. We were thrilled to have Tom, as well as his young son Tommy - a new brother! - in our lives and for next 40 years he honored his commitment to my Mom and all us every day until he passed away in 2010. God bless you, Tom. I'm sure Heaven holds a special place for men like you... ♥

I never really re-connected with my Dad, although I tried. But I did talk to him just before he died. I told him that, through it all, I'd always loved him. That even during all those years apart, I still thought of him as my Dad. And even though I was deeply hurt by things he'd done, that I forgave him... I could hear Dad crying on the other end of the phone... "I love you, son." And my last words to him as we hung up "I love you, Dad..." Finally, after all these years, I felt a heavy burden lifted. I felt lucky. Lucky that I had chance to say a heartfelt goodbye to a Dad I never really knew. And a chance to believe, that despite his demons, that there had always been a special place in his heart just for me... ♥

In memory of my Mom

I made a slide show in memory of my Mom who passed away last Sunday (2-28-10). This is the slide show that was shown at the viewing. It was very emotional but I felt Mom's comfort and strength... I love you Mom...and I always will......

In memory of my brother...

My brother Jerry passed away Feb. 9, 2002 from heart disease - 8 years ago today. I made this video as a tribute but also I hope it inspires others to take care of themselves and their loved ones...

Snow in Alvarado

Wow! It actually snowed in Alvarado (Ft. Worth) on Christmas Eve!

Christmas through the years...

I made a slideshow from my photos of Christmases past. The song is "The Best Christmas" by Christopher Cross. Yep, the same guy that did "Ride Like The Wind" and "Sailing" way back in 1980...

Back in town!

Got back late last night after visiting family in Fort Worth for 11 days. It was great to see Tom back home and just to be with everyone. It was a bit of an adjustment because I had to continue on my gluten-free diet and that put the kibosh on some of our usual treats such as pizza, hamburgers, hot wings and chocolate cake! But I did fine and even managed to drop a few pounds! Imagine that! I got Mom and Tom signed up on facebook and some other family members also showed up there so it'll be a great way to hang out - at least in cyberspace. I had some problems at the airport yesterday. My original flight was cancelled at the last minute and I had to scramble to get a standby flight. My suitcase was on a later flight so I had to hang around at the airport in San Diego for over an hour to get my luggage. Then when I got home, I found out my air conditioner conked out! Anyway, great visit and great to be back. I'll be coming back in October and Christmas as well. Here's a photo I took in the lavatory right after getting on the plane. Can you tell I was excited to finally get a seat on standby?!