Jim's Place

Lacing up the gloves...

Happy Friday, gang! Hope you've got a nice weekend planned. I've been enjoying a day off from doctor appointments. I so appreciate your outpouring of support in response to my posts yesterday. There weren't actually any new developments on the medical front, but it's the first time any doctor has said my melanoma was at Stage 4. But that was the case even before the brain surgery in April. Still, it is quite alarming to hear that. The main revelation from yesterday's appointment was the clarification of the purpose of each proposed cancer treatment and the realization that I would need more than just radiation to the brain and leg - possibly chemotherapy.

I appreciate the concern for my mental and emotional well-being in light of the seriousness of all of this, but I'm still my usual happy-camper self. Most of that is due to my faith in God, but also because after so many years of dealing with chronic illness, I've come to terms with the possibility that my health issues could take a sudden downturn and my time on Earth would be quickly coming to an end...

But that's a reality everyone faces - from a car accident to a Texas tornado, there's no guarantee that any of us will be here tomorrow. Of course, I have serious concerns about coping with a life-threatening disease that I'm repeatedly told is incurable, but I just refuse to pay any more of an emotional and mental price than I'm forced to. Just as I have since I was a kid, the first thing I'm going to ask myself when I wake up is "How can I make the most of today?"

Rather than define this battle with cancer as a burden, I view it as a challenge. Rather than be consumed with worry and fear, I'm driven by faith and determination. But as confident as I feel, I'm still approaching this with respectful humility, never forgetting that so many have fought similar battles with incredible courage and determination - but yet they didn't survive...

Of course, I wish I could just get on with life and not have to deal with this, but I still believe that God has a purpose for all of the long-suffering... that it is far too early to write my memoirs or begin formulating a eulogy... I'm ready to step back into the ring - and I don't plan on just making a token appearance. If necessary, I'll hang on the ropes a bit, but then I'm coming out swinging. I'm in it to win it. And God willing, I most definitely will!

"Maybe I'll order from Vermont Teddy Bear instead..."

I often have some bizarre dreams, but sometimes they're actually quite humorous. Last night, I dreamed I was part of a team of undercover agents whose mission was to infiltrate a large corporation that was suspected of being a front for terrorist operations. So I managed to get hired and began investigating.

But everyone seemed normal and their business seemed perfectly legit. Their main product was giant teddy bears and like their main competitor - Vermont Teddy Bear - they specialized in sending out teddy bears for Valentine's Day. So I contacted my team leader and insisted there must be bad intel - "Boss, I can't find any sign of terrorist operations. There must be a mistake!" Then he started screaming "The teddy bears! They're putting bombs in the teddy bears! They're timed to explode on Valentine's Day! They'll be shipping them all over the country! You've got to stop them!"

So one of my guys "neutralized" the terrorist who was sneaking bombs into the teddy bears and the rest of my team then gathered up all of the "infected" teddy bears and snuck them out of the plant, telling the security guards that we were taking them to a nursing home as part of a goodwill gesture by the company. Once we were all clear, it dawned on me why the intelligence folks were so suspicious of this particular company. Above the entrance to the main office was a big neon sign - "Achmed Teddy Bear Company". ;)

"The Singing Stairs"

Over the last few months, I've had a lot more difficulty going up and down my stairs due to knee pain. I figured it was just arthritis and that maybe at 60, it was just going to be something I had to struggle with from now on. During the rough spell of the last couple of months, it got to where it was taking me a couple of minutes to get down the stairs right after waking up. I had to turn sideways and hold on to the rail and go very slowly.

A key aspect of this rough spell has been grimacing with any exertion, so coming down the stairs was effectively a chorus of winces, grimaces, groans and moans - highlighted with an occasional "Son of a gun!" (Of course, I didn't cuss!). It sounded pretty awful, but the harmony was actually quite impressive!Especially since my stairs are kind of like a shower in that the sound bounces off the wall and gives your voice some nice reverb.

Then I got a novel idea... I sing in the shower, why not sing when I go down the stairs after waking up?! With my renewed interest in singing, it'll be good practice and it sure sounds better than the moaning and groaning! So I've had a nice diversion from the pain and instead of dreading hobbling down the stairs, I've actually been enjoying it, singing whatever comes to mind. Sometimes it's a favorite song and sometimes I just make one up as I go along!

With the surprising improvement in my knees in the last several days from the new fibromyalgia med, I can whiz down the stairs without a problem now. (Shazam!) But I still take my time...and it's even more fun to try out different songs with the enhancing effect of the staircase reverb. Funny, that in the midst of adversity, pain led me to a joy that I might not have discovered...an opportunity for joy that had always been right in front of me. I don't wish pain upon anyone, but I do hope that even if you are hurting every day, that in some way you find the same kind of joy I did when I discovered "The Singing Stairs"... :)

"Put me in coach!"

With a chronic fatigue condition, you can't use the usual approaches to exercise. Typically, with normal health, you don't work out when you feel sick. Common sense says you just wait until you're feeling better. Sounds reasonable!

But what if you are always sick? Day in, day out, year after year? Do you just forget about being an athlete again? Do you just settle for being fat and out-of-shape? Do you just accept the conventional wisdom that suggests your days as an athlete are over? And even if you manage to get in a workout here and there, can you ever expect to achieve a high level of fitness again? Especially considering that with a chronic illness, serious setbacks are almost inevitable and are very likely to occur quite frequently. Why set yourself up for all of that frustration? No one would blame you if you just parked it on the couch and took it easy... Time to just sit in the stands and enjoy being a spectator...

For the last 15+ years, the harsh reality has been that if I'm going to exercise at all, I'm going to have to push through a significant level of illness and/or fatigue. The question isn't if I'm sick, but rather if it's at a "workable" level. Sometimes, it's mild, but often it's at a profound level, with my body screaming "No way!" It's been a careful balancing act, using mostly instinct to determine how much I can get away with pushing against what my body is telling me. Fortunately, those same instincts that had so many times pushed me to work out when it seemed impossible were screaming this time "Don't do it!" They were right. It could have been dangerous with such low thyroid levels.

I'm sure to some people, constantly fighting the odds to pursue a high level of fitness, while dealing with an overwhelming and erratic chronic illness, seems rather futile and just adds undue stress to an already chaotic situation. Granted, sometimes it does seem like I'm trapped in a perpetual Whack-A-Mole arcade game at Chuck E. Cheese - and every time I pop up - make a big comeback - that same angry kid smashes me with the mallet yet again! I keep thinking this bully will give it a rest, but he just seems to have an endless supply of tokens...

Friday I added fibromyalgia to my medical "portfolio" and today I learned that I have a severely low thyroid level. Although I have a low thyroid disorder - hypothyroidism - I've had it monitored frequently and take my medication every day. But the TSH result of 42 means my levels were extremely low. That explains why I've been so sick, but I still have no idea what caused such a dramatic change in my thyroid condition. Anyway, I start on new meds tomorrow to address these issues and I'm looking forward to yet another big comeback.

Of course, it gets awfully frustrating to work so hard to make progress like I did in 2013, and then have such a rough year like 2014. But even at the age of 60, I'm still an athlete and I've okay with facing such "injuries". And just like an athlete in their prime, it might be stressful to constantly be overcoming injuries, but then again, not nearly as stressful as sitting on the bench or being relegated to being just another spectator in the stands... when you know in your heart, that despite it all, you still belong on the field... that you can never settle for anything less than doing your best to get back in the game... :)

"Are you ready to rumble?!"

Hi guys. Happy Friday! Well, I managed to get to sleep before sunrise, but then I didn't wake up until after the sun went down! Crud! What's that all about?! Maybe all those hours on the couch wore me out! Actually, I think it's probably the stress of not feeling well enough to ride my bike! I think it's called hypobikeism!

All jokes aside, as optimistic as I am, there's a lot of uncertainty and fear that just goes with the illness inexplicably elevating to a level that knocked me off the bike for most of the last two months. Even with my faith and happy camper attitude, there's still that churning inside that suggests maybe riding the bike is no longer going to be a regular activity for me...that maybe none of the doctors will be able to figure it out and that this is just the way it's going to be...

Well, I've been here before... In 1998, after being sidelined for almost 2 years, I discovered that I had severe sleep apnea. After a few weeks of using a CPAP machine, I was back on the bike and in May of 1999, completed a 100-mile bike ride.

In 2001, I felt like I was dying, despite my doctor mistakenly insisting it was depression. I eventually find out it was complete pituitary failure and that I indeed was in serious danger. After a few months on full hormone replacement therapy, I was at least able to ride my bike around the neighborhood...

In 2004, at my heaviest weight ever - 330lbs - I was no longer able to ride the bike and was as sick as I'd ever been. My doctor had no explanation and said that he was sorry, but that this was just the way it's going to be... After experimentation with my hormone meds, I managed to improve enough to drop over a 100lbs in 2005 and was back to doing long rides on the bike, although the illness sidelined me by the end of the year.

In 2006, a new specialist stunningly theorized that my pituitary gland could possibly be restarted. This began a rough 3-year process of repeatedly trying to jump start my pituitary gland by gradual withdrawal of my cortisol med. It put me through a lot of hell and it seemed like it just wasn't going to work, but in 2008, my pituitary gland fired up - after being dead for 8 years...

But in the spring of 2009, I was sicker than I'd been in years, even with a functioning pituitary gland. I was crushed because I had such big dreams for a new life... By the summer though, "Dr. Jim" suspected I had Celiac - the gluten disorder - and then medical tests confirmed it. That led to the big comebacks of 2009 and 2010 - where I was able to complete my first 100-mile bike ride since 1999.

2011 and 2012 were a bit of a shocker, with most of my riding being on the couch! What the hell happened?! I eventually determined that my underlying issue was an autoimmune condition - where the immune system attacks the body - and that triggers sick as gluten and pollens were bigger factors than I realized. I'd already been on a gluten-free diet but then I started an aggressive allergy shot therapy regimen. That led to my big comeback of 2013, dropping over 90lbs and competing in two time-trial races. Shazam! Now we're talking!

However, I was still quite sick in 2013 and despite the improvement, suspected that something big was still being missed. So having such a rough year in 2014 wasn't that much of a surprise. Granted, being so sick the last couple of months has rattled me a bit, but all I can say is "I've been here before..." I don't know what the future holds, but I do know this... I never threw in the towel before and I'm not doing this time. So many times the world hammered me with logic and insisted I was being unrealistic, that the odds were overwhelmingly against my dream of getting back on the bike...

But as well-intentioned as all of that advice was, they were all wrong. I not only got back on the bike after each supposedly insurmountable medical obstacle, but I rode the bike like a madman. And once again it seems like returning to the bike in any serious manner is against all odds. But I'll be damned if I'll listen to that voice that's trying to tell me that I've lost this fight... that's trying to get me to settle for just being a spectator. At 60, I'm sure that sounds reasonable, but I just don't believe it's time to hang up the gloves. The fighter in me is as alive as ever and I'm determined to get back in the ring. And I'm not looking to just make a token appearance - hanging on the ropes and hoping to get in a punch or two. I'm in it for the win.

I know the odds are against me, but I don't believe God brought me through all of this to just go out with a fizzle. My body is struggling, but my mind, heart and soul are ready to rumble. So ladies and gentleman place your bets... the fight begins now... :)

The Magic of Christmas

Well, as has been so common of late, I woke up feeling awfully sick. But yet, I still have my joy... I still have a song in my heart... How can that be, Jimbo?! No doubt, I'm disappointed that I wasn't well enough to be in Texas to spend Christmas with my family...and being so sick certainly gets old! But, I'm okay... To still have my spark and enthusiasm for life when I feel like this is not only a Christmas miracle, but an everyday miracle.

Yes, I still feel the hurts, the pains, the frustrations and overwhelm that are inevitable when you're sick 24/7. This time of year, I especially feel that churning... ("Another year alone? Come on, Jim, you've got to find someone to share your life with!") But yet, I've still got my child-like heart and an excitement for those things I can still do...not that far away from that kid of so long okay who couldn't wait to open his big present sitting under the Christmas tree...

This year in particular the Holy Spirit stands out as being the best gift this kid has ever received... My body may be sick, but my spirit is well. I see so many people bitter, angry and just downright unhappy. More often than not, it's clear to me that the biggest cause of their misery is a profound spiritual void. My heart goes out to them. I've been down that road. Even though I was a Christian in my beliefs, there was still something missing and I just couldn't put my finger on it...

That something was the joy of the Holy Spirit. I've come to believe that having the Holy Spirit in your heart is a basic human need. If it's not there, you're going to hurt. And it's a painful void that even the best things the world has to offer will provide no more than a promising distraction. My prayer, is that everyone I know receives this same life-changing and even life-sustaining gift. I think I'm pretty darn good with my perspective, coping skills and determination, but frankly I just don't know how I could have come through such a marathon of adversity without the profound presence, strength and joy of the Holy Spirit.

As I'm sure you have surmised, my Christmas is going to be special after all. I'd sure like to feel better and I'm praying my new docs can figure out what the heck is going on, but in the meantime, I'm going to make the most of the magic of Christmas. I felt that magic as a young child and at the age of 60, it's still there... but not because of a brightly-colored package with a big bow, but because of a baby in a manger long ago. An innocent child, the Son of God, sent to save the world. I celebrate Christmas to honor the birth of Jesus, but also to celebrate that He still saves me every day of every year... Yeah, I guess I'm pretty lucky, because I get to open my Christmas "present" every single day of the year... :)

Way back in the summer of '96...

The first time I really started to think something was wrong was the summer of 1996. In 1994, at the age of 39, I took up bicycling as a serious fitness activity. By the end of 1995, 50-mile rides were almost routine for me. At 180 lbs, I was in the best shape of my life. My computer career had really taken off and I even joined the choir at my church. I had a great group of friends and we would frequently get together for barbecues, birthdays and pool parties and even go camping.  And finally, I felt I had recovered from my divorce in 1993. I really loved how my new life was coming together and was looking forward to finding someone to share it with...

1997 - Constant thyroid imbalances

But as the months went on, it became increasingly difficult to ride the bike. Clearly, my energy was fading. By the spring of 1997, I was barely riding the bike. Since I was being treated for a low thyroid condition, I suspected that might be the issue. Sure enough, the lab tests indicated I needed to increase the dosage on my thyroid med! I also decided to see an allergist and get better treatment for my asthma and allergies. I was excited to think that maybe I had a handle on my health issues and that I could finally get back to riding the bike! I did start feeling better, but there was still something obviously wrong. The next round of lab tests indicated my thyroid levels were now too high! What?! So my doc then lowered my thyroid dosage. That cycle would repeat itself for the rest of 1997 and into the spring of 1998. Eventually, my endocrinologist gave up, saying she simply didn't know why we couldn't get my thyroid condition under control. By the summer of 1998, I was up to an all-time high of 267 lbs and still not getting better. I was no longer riding the bike and now it was becoming a struggle just to show up for work...

1998 - Sleep apnea diagnosis and then the big comeback of 1999

I had been suggesting to my primary physician that I thought I should be checked for sleep apnea and he finally agreed. In July, I had a sleep study done and bingo! I not only had sleep apnea, but a very serious case - averaging 52 events(stopping breathing) per hour during the study! No wonder I was exhausted! I was thrilled to get a diagnosis and looked forward to getting on the CPAP machine and getting back on the bike. I made marked improvement over the next few months and felt confident enough in January 1999 to sign up to do the Leukemia Society's 100-mile bike ride in Santa Fe, New Mexico in May. I had a rough time staying with the training, but managed to get my weight down from 267 lbs to 233 lbs. I had to dig awfully deep just to finish the ride - 106 miles - but when I crossed the finish line I felt a huge sense of victory... maybe I'd finally conquered illness and could now get back to just living life...

The crash of '99  - from generic thyroid medication?

But my health took another dive late in the summer of 1999. The fatigue was worse than ever. When I saw a new endocrinologist he concluded that it was simply due to taking a generic thyroid medicine instead of the name brand. Apparently, the generics could fluctuate from one manufacturer to the next. Wow! That made perfect sense! No wonder I couldn't get my levels stabilized in 1997! So he started me on the name brand stuff - Synthroid - and I quickly started planning my next comeback...

I certainly felt better on Synthroid, but as I rolled into the Spring of 2000,I still wasn't back to my old self - not even close. No one seemed to have any ideas so  I just tried to push through it. I did pretty well, enjoying a couple of camping trips and doing stuff with my brother Danny, who was living with me while he went to school. My weight was back up and of course my doctors kept insisting that I wasn't going to get my energy back as long as I was heavy. That sounded logical, but my instincts told me there was more to it than that...

2000 - The tumor in my neck

In the fall of 2000, I noticed a lump on the left side of my neck. I thought nothing of it until it increased to about an inch in diameter. I had a biopsy done that was inconclusive, but my ENT doc said it had to come out. The surgery went well and the conclusion was that it was a benign tumor that she was sure was the cause of my fatigue. By the Spring of 2001, I was certainly feeling better so maybe that was it! Time to focus on getting the weight off and getting back on the bike! I did much better going forward, doing things like camping and even returning to my old hobby of flying radio-controlled sailplanes. But by the end of October, things started going south yet again...

2001 - Diagnosis of pituitary failure

By November 2001, I was sicker than I had ever been. I had to go on short-term disability leave from work. Eventually, I was scared... it felt like I was dying... My primary doc insisted it was simply depression and insisted all I needed was to start taking an antidepressant. I had been suggesting for over a year that we check my pituitary gland but he refused, always reverting back to his depression assumption. But I found another doc who would check it and sure enough the tests confirmed what I suspected - complete pituitary failure! Finally, it was all starting to make sense! So I started on full hormone replacement and of course started getting excited about kicking off 2002 with my next comeback!

2002 - The big crash and the end of my computer career.

My excitement didn't last long... I kept waiting to get better but before long, I was back on disability. For all that spring, I kept going back to work, then back on disability, trying to work, then back on disability. I gave it everything I had, but clearly wasn't able to do even the simple tasks in my computer job. I was finally let go in August. I spent the next couple of years trying to get answers but no one could explain why I was doing so poorly - when it was assumed that with full hormone replacement the pituitary issue wouldn't keep me from being able to function at an almost-normal level.

2004 - At my heaviest - 330lbs. And then the big comeback of 2005.

By the summer of 2004, I had ballooned up to 330 lbs and could hardly even stand on my feet for more than a few minutes. My  endocrinologist didn't know what else to do, saying that he was sorry, but that this was probably as good as it was going to get... and that I needed to be realistic and just accept it...

In the fall of 2004, I received a new CPAP machine - one that had an automatic pressure sensor. I figured it might work better than the old one and sure enough it did! I felt such an improvement that I went to the bike shop and bought a hybrid bike! I was too heavy to hop on my old road bike but the hybrid worked like a champ. I was only able to go around the block, but the important thing was that I was back on the bike! That led to my big comeback of 2005. Along with the new CPAP, and better managing my hormone medications, I was able to begin working out consistently. By summer, I was back on my old road bike. Using the Body-for-LIFE program I dropped over 100 lbs! Clearly, THIS comeback was the real deal! Finally!

2006 - First attempt at trying to restart the pituitary gland

I had a rough time in the Spring of 2006, which was expected since it was allergy season, but I figured by summer I'd be back on track with my fitness program. But I kept waiting and I wasn't feeling better. My  endocrinologist again insisted he was doing everything that could be done and that I couldn't blame everything on medical issues. What?! He strongly suggested that I needed to see a psychiatrist or I wouldn't get better. The psychiatrist laughed at my doc's assumption, saying he knew what depression was and I didn't have it! He said he was amazed at how happy I was, considering that I struggled with illness for so long. I figured it was time to get a new endocrinologist!

The new endocrinologist gave me a stunning assessment on our first visit. His theory was that maybe my pituitary gland was actually still functional, just mostly dormant. If that was the case, occasional activity from the pituitary gland would cause all sorts of erratic hormone levels making it impossible to get my levels dialed-in and explaining why I was still struggling so much! I was stunned by his theory, but it sure made sense! I then had a pituitary stimulation test done and son-of-gun my pituitary gland responded! Unbelievable! He then proposed that we try to restart the pituitary gland using a long process of slow withdrawal from the hormone medications. Although there was a slim chance that it would work he insisted that it was my only real chance to get better. So for the next few months, I gradually tapered down, hoping this would actually work restart my pituitary gland.

2007 - The 2nd attempt to restart the pituitary gland

The  specialist had warned me that tapering off of hormone medications such as Cortef - which is what was being used to maintain cortisol levels - could be as rough as withdrawing from heroin. I was skeptical of his warning until I started getting down to the lower doses. I felt exhausted and started experiencing anxiety, claustrophobia and sleep difficulties. Eventually, I reached my limit and increased my medicines back to the old levels.He was disappointed that I had aborted the withdrawal, but I just couldn't live like that. In the Spring of 2007, I figured I'd try the withdrawal process again, but by April, the side effects were so severe that one night I found myself so desperate that I called a suicide hotline. I wasn't suicidal or even close to it, but I was so anxious and emotionally being stretched that I really needed to talk to someone - now! - and since it was 3 in the morning, I couldn't call friend or knock on a neighbor's door! Anyway, I abandoned that withdrawal attempt as well and figured I'd just have to live with my greatly diminished health...

2008 - The 3rd attempt to restart the pituitary gland...and then a miracle.

In January 2008, my doc suggested we try the withdrawal process one more time, but this time we would go much slower. The plan was that we would take a year instead of just 6 months and hopefully avoid the severe side effects that I experienced before. I figured I had to give it just one more try... After 6 months, I was encouraged because I wasn't having any severe side effects. Then in August, my doctor informed me that the lasts lab tests showed that my pituitary gland had restarted! Amazing! Miracles do happen! Now, I truly do have a new life!

2009 - Diagnosis of Celiac

For the rest of 2008, the focus was on continuing with the withdrawal process until I was completely off of all of the hormone meds. In the Spring of 2009, after being on full hormone replacement since 2001, I took my last dose of Cortef. Because it was allergy season, I wasn't surprised that I was still dragging. I figured by summer I'd  be back to riding the bike and feeling the full benefits from my restarted pituitary gland. But by April, I was as sick as I had been in years. It was the same flu-like symptoms and fatigue that I had been told all these years was because of the pituitary disorder! Apparently, that wasn't true! I was stunned! What the heck happened?! None of my docs had any idea and once again I decided I'd better put on my doctor hat and sort this out...

I had unexplained skin rashes that first appeared in 2001 and my dermatologist never was able to effectively treat them. They had been better in recent years, but were now back with a vengeance. I then started asking myself what condition similar to mine was treated with any of the meds I was taking for the pituitary issue and thus would flare up after withdrawal? After lots of research, I came across info on Celiac. I'd never even heard of the illness, but sure enough it  sounded like what I was going through! When I saw the part about Celiac causing skin rashes, I knew I was really on to something! Eventually, tests confirmed what Dr. Jim (me!) had diagnosed. I started on a gluten free diet and by the end of the summer I was rolling up miles on the bike like I hadn't since 1995...

2010 - The big comeback and my first 100-mile bike ride since 1999.

The spring of 2010 was the usual downtime due to the allergy season, although it hit me harder than I expected. But by summer, the pollens were down and I was back to putting in long rides on the bike. I was clearly far from well, but by putting most everything else on the back burner I was able to do enough training to complete a 100-mile ride in October. Shazam! Now we're talking! I really looked forward to 2011, hoping I could take my fitness back to the high level it was in 1995. I still hadn't made it below 230 lbs, but that sure beat the heck out of 330 lbs in 2004!

2011 - Back on the couch

I wasn't surprised that I was derailed again by illness as the 2011 pollen season unfolded... this was pretty much standard procedure every year. It wasn't like what most people think of when they think of allergy issues. I had started every day since early 1996 with a significant level of sickness. Triggers such as gluten and pollens raised it to a profound level. The various medical conditions along the way certainly made things even more debilitating but even on my best days, I still was far from normal functioning. My best time of year was usually August through October, but in 2011, my good time of year never showed up.

2012 - Still on the couch

I rode out the allergy season in 2012 mostly on the couch, but when summer arrived I once again didn't see my usual improvement. My thyroid disorder, Celiac, sleep apnea and asthma all seemed well under control so I just didn't understand why the underlying illness continued on at such a debilitating level. I then started to reassess my medical history and look for a common thread. Clearly, most all of my stuff over the years was driven by an underlying autoimmune condition - where the immune system attacks the body. My doctors pretty much agreed, but still had no answers as to why I still felt so sick much of the time. The general diagnosis was autoimmune-driven chronic fatigue, but no treatment was prescribed. Basically, I was told I'd  just have to live with being sick and that compared to their other patients they thought I was doing extremely well! Small consolation!

2013 - The big comeback of 2013...and then a rough 2014

I then figured that my best bet was simply to address the main triggers - gluten and pollens - with the goal of minimizing the flare-ups of the autoimmune condition. I had been getting allergy shots for months and made it a goal to stick with them. When the new year rolled around, I was determined that 2013 would be my big comeback year. Based on the previous 2 disappointing years, it took a lot of work and faith to get my confidence back. But I stayed with my fitness program and noticed right away that this allergy season wasn't derailing my exercise program. The best I could figure is that the allergy shots had finally provided the maximum benefit and that was helping keep the autoimmune condition at bay. I still felt sick every day, but at least it was workable. However, I had enough energy to do my daily workout, but not usually much more than that. So I pretty much put everything else on the back burner and made getting the weight off my top priority.

By November, I had dropped an amazing 90 lbs in 2013! I was thrilled to see things finally come together! I was even able to participate in a couple of time-trial bike races! Holy smokes, this was a whole new life! I got back a few pounds over the holidays, but started 2014 with tremendous excitement, anxious to get those few pounds off and within a few months finally be back at my normal weight. But I had an unexpectedly rough January and February with the daily sickness usually being at a profound level. I was still able to get in a workout here and there but once again illness was starting to derail my big comeback. I had missed my monthly allergy shots last December because I went out of town for Christmas and figured that maybe that was a key factor behind this rough spell. But I had been back on allergy shots for over a month now and wasn't getting better.

I then started seeing a new rheumatologist in March, and he was confident that he could help me get much better. He said that the constant sickness was attributable to my Chronic Fatigue condition and was amplified by my systemic autoimmune disorder. That sounded logical and I was excited about the medication that he insisted would help me a lot. The medication - Nuvigil - was originally designed to treat people with issues related to working night shifts, but had been also shown to be effective for people with conditions like mine. At least, according to my new doc's experience with his patients.

The Nuvigil certainly did take the edge off the sickness and I was excited to think that it just might greatly increase my functionality. But as summer approached, I was still too sick to resume my exercise program with any consistency. He increased my dose to 250mg and I figured maybe the Nuvigil just needed more time to reach full effectiveness. But the next thing I knew, the summer was over and I again found myself on the couch wondering what happened to make 2014 so much rougher than 2013! My allergy doc mentioned that pollens were worse this year and I'm sure that played a part, but there's just got to be more to it than that...

So, here I am, in 2014, a few days before Christmas, still looking for answers. I did a little better in September and October, getting in quite a few bike rides. I had hoped that meant I was on my way back, but then my body inexplicably took a nosedive at the beginning of November, and I've been mostly on the couch since then. I've been sicker than I have in years and I don't have any idea why. For the first time in over 20 years, I was too sick to fly back to Texas to spend Christmas with the family. It seems so bizarre that despite all of the breakthroughs and discoveries along the way, that after 18 years of fighting illness on a daily basis and seeing doctor after doctor that there is yet another medical mystery to solve.

Funny, but despite illness derailing so much of my exercise all these years, I still thought of myself as an endurance athlete. Even when I was 330lbs and it looked like I wasn't going to be able to ride a bike again. I'm anxious to find out what's making me so sick lately, so that I can get back to riding the bike instead of the couch! It seems like it might be another endocrine issue, but who knows. How bizarre all of this seems... But I'm still here and I've still got a fighting chance to get my health back. I've always marveled at my fitness friends who were able to complete a 26.2 mile run, but then again, I think they probably marvel at my endurance as well. Their marathons took a few hours, but I'm still struggling to complete mine... the toughest endurance event of my life - a marathon that began long ago... way back in the summer of '96...

A Christian nation?

I think even an amateur historian would find indisputable evidence that America was founded on Christian and Biblical principles. A truly tolerant non-believer would accept that reality and not raise hell about the various Christian symbols, traditions and influences that are ingrained throughout the American system of governance.

To remove all vestiges of Christianity from the state would rip the heart out of what has made America the most enduring and shining opportunity for freedom, liberty and prosperity in human history. Instead of the utopia that atheists suggest it would create, the truth is that it would be hell for everyone - even those who don't believe in heaven or hell.

Turkey for one?

For the last several years, I've gotten used to spending Thanksgiving alone, as well as most other holidays. That's partly because all of my family is in Texas and I live in San Diego - but mostly it's because of the chronic illness. My wife took off with my best friend in 1993, and a big factor was that she saw that I was getting sick and she wanted to run away.

Being the sociable person that I am, I built a new social life after that, but over the years those friends pulled away, for various reasons - but most of them related to the illness. And I had a girlfriend or two along the way, but eventually illness derailed my dating life. I've got some close "real-world" friends now, but after having to cancel countless times due to illness, they eventually stopped inviting me. And actually, it's a relief to not get social invites as long as the illness is as profound as it is.

So I'll enjoy Thanksgiving tomorrow - grateful that I'm even still here. It's completely understandable how such a profound illness could lead to even the friendliest person spending the holiday alone. And I'll have a good time, despite flying solo. However... It still just seems so bizarre, that that dedicated family man of long ago, whose life revolved around his wife, stepson and family and friends for so many years, is alone.

My brain isn't puzzled at all, but my heart still doesn't quite accept it. Granted, many people with normal health also find themselves alone due to circumstances beyond their control. But perhaps the harshest reality is not being alone but the realization that an overwhelming chronic illness makes it extremely difficult to do much about it. Most social avenues, such as dating, require at least a minimal amount of predictable and consistent wellness. And for someone like me, the illness is so overwhelming that a social life isn't even on my radar screen.

My main thought was to share how illness has impacted how I spend my holidays and what a huge contrast Thanksgiving is now compared to all those years when it was a big event with longtime friends and family - and to express my empathy and support for anyone in a similar situation. No doubt, it's just part of life that loved ones come and go and sometimes being alone is inevitable. But even though I think I have a great perspective about it, I sometimes still feel a "flare-up" of that deep familiar "ouch" - that disconcerting churning that I didn't deserve such an injustice. Like any normal and compassionate human being, I wanted so much to believe that even with a chronic illness, that those who I dedicated my life too would have stood by me the way I would have certainly stood by them...through sickness or health, come what may...

"Osho, the great"

Sometimes, I feel compelled to research popular cultural figures when my instincts tell me they are charlatans. Lately, I've seen a lot of nice-sounding quotes from Osho, also known as Rajneesh - a legendary Indian guru who died in 1990, but still has a worldwide following.

Oh man, underneath the peace and love veneer was a disturbing and destructive mindset. I wasn't surprised that he mocked Christianity and claimed that the resurrection never happened - that it was actually part of a conspiracy! But for such an "enlightened" person, he was quite adept at creating volumes of tortured logic to promote and rationalize a selfish, gratification-driven approach to life. In addition to being so hedonistic, he promoted such ideas as abandoning your marriage after it no longer serves your purpose (i.e. after having children) and he blamed rape on society - claiming that because society was so against sex, the man had no other option. Yikes! That's just a few examples of what I came across while reading his own words. My God, how in the world did this nutjob attract so many followers?!

These charlatans stand out like a sore thumb to me and I have a hard time understanding why so many people don't see what is so obvious to me. Actually, I do... People like Osho know how to say what appeals to vulnerable, hurting people - or anyone who has become disenchanted with society. The sayings and philosophy are driven by what sounds good and feels good, with no requirement that his approach works. And when you're free to ignore any inconvenient truth, it's a lot easier to say what your followers want to hear. On the surface, each quote may sound like a revelation - and might actually have some merit - but in my experience it's best to avoid such toxic influences...

Ok, that's my cultural observation of the day - time to work on writing something humorous! :)