Jim's Place

"Put me in coach!"

With a chronic fatigue condition, you can't use the usual approaches to exercise. Typically, with normal health, you don't work out when you feel sick. Common sense says you just wait until you're feeling better. Sounds reasonable!

But what if you are always sick? Day in, day out, year after year? Do you just forget about being an athlete again? Do you just settle for being fat and out-of-shape? Do you just accept the conventional wisdom that suggests your days as an athlete are over? And even if you manage to get in a workout here and there, can you ever expect to achieve a high level of fitness again? Especially considering that with a chronic illness, serious setbacks are almost inevitable and are very likely to occur quite frequently. Why set yourself up for all of that frustration? No one would blame you if you just parked it on the couch and took it easy... Time to just sit in the stands and enjoy being a spectator...

For the last 15+ years, the harsh reality has been that if I'm going to exercise at all, I'm going to have to push through a significant level of illness and/or fatigue. The question isn't if I'm sick, but rather if it's at a "workable" level. Sometimes, it's mild, but often it's at a profound level, with my body screaming "No way!" It's been a careful balancing act, using mostly instinct to determine how much I can get away with pushing against what my body is telling me. Fortunately, those same instincts that had so many times pushed me to work out when it seemed impossible were screaming this time "Don't do it!" They were right. It could have been dangerous with such low thyroid levels.

I'm sure to some people, constantly fighting the odds to pursue a high level of fitness, while dealing with an overwhelming and erratic chronic illness, seems rather futile and just adds undue stress to an already chaotic situation. Granted, sometimes it does seem like I'm trapped in a perpetual Whack-A-Mole arcade game at Chuck E. Cheese - and every time I pop up - make a big comeback - that same angry kid smashes me with the mallet yet again! I keep thinking this bully will give it a rest, but he just seems to have an endless supply of tokens...

Friday I added fibromyalgia to my medical "portfolio" and today I learned that I have a severely low thyroid level. Although I have a low thyroid disorder - hypothyroidism - I've had it monitored frequently and take my medication every day. But the TSH result of 42 means my levels were extremely low. That explains why I've been so sick, but I still have no idea what caused such a dramatic change in my thyroid condition. Anyway, I start on new meds tomorrow to address these issues and I'm looking forward to yet another big comeback.

Of course, it gets awfully frustrating to work so hard to make progress like I did in 2013, and then have such a rough year like 2014. But even at the age of 60, I'm still an athlete and I've okay with facing such "injuries". And just like an athlete in their prime, it might be stressful to constantly be overcoming injuries, but then again, not nearly as stressful as sitting on the bench or being relegated to being just another spectator in the stands... when you know in your heart, that despite it all, you still belong on the field... that you can never settle for anything less than doing your best to get back in the game... :)

"Are you ready to rumble?!"

Hi guys. Happy Friday! Well, I managed to get to sleep before sunrise, but then I didn't wake up until after the sun went down! Crud! What's that all about?! Maybe all those hours on the couch wore me out! Actually, I think it's probably the stress of not feeling well enough to ride my bike! I think it's called hypobikeism!

All jokes aside, as optimistic as I am, there's a lot of uncertainty and fear that just goes with the illness inexplicably elevating to a level that knocked me off the bike for most of the last two months. Even with my faith and happy camper attitude, there's still that churning inside that suggests maybe riding the bike is no longer going to be a regular activity for me...that maybe none of the doctors will be able to figure it out and that this is just the way it's going to be...

Well, I've been here before... In 1998, after being sidelined for almost 2 years, I discovered that I had severe sleep apnea. After a few weeks of using a CPAP machine, I was back on the bike and in May of 1999, completed a 100-mile bike ride.

In 2001, I felt like I was dying, despite my doctor mistakenly insisting it was depression. I eventually find out it was complete pituitary failure and that I indeed was in serious danger. After a few months on full hormone replacement therapy, I was at least able to ride my bike around the neighborhood...

In 2004, at my heaviest weight ever - 330lbs - I was no longer able to ride the bike and was as sick as I'd ever been. My doctor had no explanation and said that he was sorry, but that this was just the way it's going to be... After experimentation with my hormone meds, I managed to improve enough to drop over a 100lbs in 2005 and was back to doing long rides on the bike, although the illness sidelined me by the end of the year.

In 2006, a new specialist stunningly theorized that my pituitary gland could possibly be restarted. This began a rough 3-year process of repeatedly trying to jump start my pituitary gland by gradual withdrawal of my cortisol med. It put me through a lot of hell and it seemed like it just wasn't going to work, but in 2008, my pituitary gland fired up - after being dead for 8 years...

But in the spring of 2009, I was sicker than I'd been in years, even with a functioning pituitary gland. I was crushed because I had such big dreams for a new life... By the summer though, "Dr. Jim" suspected I had Celiac - the gluten disorder - and then medical tests confirmed it. That led to the big comebacks of 2009 and 2010 - where I was able to complete my first 100-mile bike ride since 1999.

2011 and 2012 were a bit of a shocker, with most of my riding being on the couch! What the hell happened?! I eventually determined that my underlying issue was an autoimmune condition - where the immune system attacks the body - and that triggers sick as gluten and pollens were bigger factors than I realized. I'd already been on a gluten-free diet but then I started an aggressive allergy shot therapy regimen. That led to my big comeback of 2013, dropping over 90lbs and competing in two time-trial races. Shazam! Now we're talking!

However, I was still quite sick in 2013 and despite the improvement, suspected that something big was still being missed. So having such a rough year in 2014 wasn't that much of a surprise. Granted, being so sick the last couple of months has rattled me a bit, but all I can say is "I've been here before..." I don't know what the future holds, but I do know this... I never threw in the towel before and I'm not doing this time. So many times the world hammered me with logic and insisted I was being unrealistic, that the odds were overwhelmingly against my dream of getting back on the bike...

But as well-intentioned as all of that advice was, they were all wrong. I not only got back on the bike after each supposedly insurmountable medical obstacle, but I rode the bike like a madman. And once again it seems like returning to the bike in any serious manner is against all odds. But I'll be damned if I'll listen to that voice that's trying to tell me that I've lost this fight... that's trying to get me to settle for just being a spectator. At 60, I'm sure that sounds reasonable, but I just don't believe it's time to hang up the gloves. The fighter in me is as alive as ever and I'm determined to get back in the ring. And I'm not looking to just make a token appearance - hanging on the ropes and hoping to get in a punch or two. I'm in it for the win.

I know the odds are against me, but I don't believe God brought me through all of this to just go out with a fizzle. My body is struggling, but my mind, heart and soul are ready to rumble. So ladies and gentleman place your bets... the fight begins now... :)

Happy Talk

Boo! I just woke up - at 10:30pm! I'd better hurry up if I'm going to squeeze in my plans for Wednesday before Thursday! Despite the unexpectedly late start, I'm actually quite jazzed. I feel better than I have in weeks and I'll have a lot of daylight tomorrow to work with. I haven't even been out in the daylight this month, so that's big-time progress!

Anyway, this last few weeks has been awfully trying, but am I gonna let it dishearten me? Nope! Am I going to back off of my dreams or concede to that voice that's trying to convince me that this is as good as it gets? No way in hell! I'm taking every doubt, every fear and every frustration and using them to fuel the flame of determination until it becomes a raging bonfire!

Yes, all of this has rattled me, but despite the illness doing such a number on my body, I still have the option to make the best of it. It's disturbing to see my weight up and disappointing that I haven't been able to ride the bike even half as much as last year. But rather than feed that little monster of defeat by counting my losses I'm counting my countless blessings...and looking forward to the time when I've sailed through this storm into calmer waters...

I'm dreaming of that moment in the not too distant future... When I'm back on my bike, riding along the San Diego coastline. I'll have recovered from 2014 and be in the best shape of my life. I'll feel such a sense of victory, because I finally got the breakthrough on the illness I had been praying for. And I'll feel so blessed that after all of those years of being by myself, that when I go home today, I finally have someone to go home to... What a dream, huh? But who's to say that today's dream can't become tomorrow's reality?

I often think of the movie "South Pacific" and the lyrics of "Happy Talk" - "You've got to have a dream, if you don't have a dream, how you gonna have a dream come true?"

Bingo! :)

"We don't need no stinkin' REALISTIC goals!"

Happy Wednesday gang! How the heck are ya?! I really expected to get going much earlier, but that pesky sleep-cycle wouldn't cooperate! I got in a nice 20-mile bike ride last night and like so many of my rides, it was actually more about emotional, mental and even spiritual conditioning than it was about physical fitness. My fitness plan called for weight-training, but I knew I needed to be on the bike and sort out all of the churning going on inside...

After dropping over 90 pounds last year and competing in 2 time-trial races, I was really excited about the promise that 2014 held. I knew that the erratic nature of my medical stuff could derail even modest and realistic goals, but it seemed I had the upper hand enough to at least not lose ground. But here I am, quite a few pounds heavier than I was at this time last year. I had hoped to participate in at least a couple of time-trial races, but I've hardly even ridden my time-trial bike this year. The illness has been much more profound this year and I don't even know why...

So as I cruised along the familiar streets of my Mapleview course last night, I thought about what kind of goals I wanted to set for 2015. How disappointing it felt that none of my goals for 2014 worked out, especially since I had every bit of the same level of determination and persistence that fueled my big comeback of 2013. Then that little voice of "reason" started chiming in - insisting that THIS time I should listen!

"Jim, you need to set more "realistic" goals! Instead of shooting for such improbable things like racing in a time-trial, just try to get on the bike when you can. With an illness like yours, you can't be stressing over something that you're unlikely to achieve! Be reasonable, will ya?!"

Well, that voice of reason has a good point, however, that same logic is a dream killer. I'd rather learn how to cope with disappointment than to seek out a comfortable spot in the "safe" world of dead dreams. I'd rather be a rebel than be reasonable. I'd rather believe that my dreams are inspired by God and not constrained by the so-called wisdom of the world...

So, near the end of my ride I decided to frame things in a way that makes a statement - to myself. I decided that for 2015, one of my biggest goals - again - will be to race in at least two time-trials. And even though that seems far away and I still have to drop at least 20 pounds before I can even ride my time-trial bike, I decided that tonight's ride would be defined as my first training session for the 2015 Time-Trial season! How about that for elevating a ride of seemingly small importance to one that is the start of something big! Holy positive thinking, Jim!

I hope my fitness friends - or anyone - can benefit from my post. So often, I hear the advice to set realistic goals, but the catch with that is that if you're goals are constrained by a fear of disappointment rather than driven by the passion of taking on a challenge that excites you, your realistic goal might not be so realistic after all. The way I see it, is that you have to a goal that will require you to dig deep and tap into the best of who you are. Keep in mind, that even if a goal is improbable, that doesn't mean it isn't realistic. And when anyone suggests that you're just setting yourself up for disappointment, remind them that actually you're just trying to give yourself the best chance of success... :)

The long road back...

The first time I really started to think something was wrong was the summer of 1996. In 1994, at the age of 39, I took up bicycling as a serious fitness activity. By the end of 1995, 50-mile rides were almost routine for me. At 180 lbs, I was in the best shape of my life. My computer career had really taken off and I even joined the choir at my church. I had a great group of friends and we would frequently get together for barbecues, birthdays and pool parties and even go camping.  And finally, I felt I had recovered from my divorce in 1993. I really loved how my new life was coming together and was looking forward to finding someone to share it with...

But as the months went on, it became increasingly difficult to ride the bike. Clearly, my energy was fading. By the spring of 1997, I was barely riding the bike. Since I was being treated for a low thyroid condition, I suspected that might be the issue. Sure enough, the lab tests indicated I needed to increase the dosage on my thyroid med! I also decided to see an allergist and get better treatment for my asthma and allergies. I was excited to think that maybe I had a handle on my health issues and that I could finally get back to riding the bike! I did start feeling better, but there was still something obviously wrong. The next round of lab tests indicated my thyroid levels were now too high! What?! So my doc then lowered my thyroid dosage. That cycle would repeat itself for the rest of 1997 and into the spring of 1998. Eventually, my endocrinologist gave up, saying she simply didn't know why we couldn't get my thyroid condition under control. By the summer of 1998, I was up to an all-time high of 267 lbs and still not getting better. I was no longer riding the bike and now it was becoming a struggle just to show up for work...

I had been suggesting to my primary physician that I thought I should be checked for sleep apnea and he finally agreed. In July, I had a sleep study done and bingo! I not only had sleep apnea, but a very serious case - averaging 52 events(stopping breathing) per hour during the study! No wonder I was exhausted! I was thrilled to get a diagnosis and looked forward to getting on the CPAP machine and getting back on the bike. I made marked improvement over the next few months and felt confident enough in January 1999 to sign up to do the Leukemia Society's 100-mile bike ride in Santa Fe, New Mexico in May. I had a rough time staying with the training, but managed to get my weight down from 267 lbs to 233 lbs. I had to dig awfully deep just to finish the ride - 106 miles - but when I crossed the finish line I felt a huge sense of victory... maybe I'd finally conquered illness and could now get back to just living life...

But my health took another dive late in the summer of 1999. The fatigue was worse than ever. When I saw a new endocrinologist he concluded that it was simply due to taking a generic thyroid medicine instead of the name brand. Apparently, the generics could fluctuate from one manufacturer to the next. Wow! That made perfect sense! No wonder I couldn't get my levels stabilized in 1997! So he started me on the name brand stuff - Synthroid - and I quickly started planning my next comeback...

I certainly felt better on Synthroid, but as I rolled into the Spring of 2000,I still wasn't back to my old self - not even close. No one seemed to have any ideas so  I just tried to push through it. I did pretty well, enjoying a couple of camping trips and doing stuff with my brother Danny, who was living with me while he went to school. My weight was back up and of course my doctors kept insisting that I wasn't going to get my energy back as long as I was heavy. That sounded logical, but my instincts told me there was more to it than that...

In the fall of 2000, I noticed a lump on the left side of my neck. I thought nothing of it until it increased to about an inch in diameter. I had a biopsy done that was inconclusive, but my ENT doc said it had to come out. The surgery went well and the conclusion was that it was a benign tumor that she was sure was the cause of my fatigue. By the Spring of 2001, I was certainly feeling better so maybe that was it! Time to focus on getting the weight off and getting back on the bike! I did much better going forward, doing things like camping and even returning to my old hobby of flying radio-controlled sailplanes. But by the end of October, things started going south yet again...

By November, I was sicker than I had ever been. I had to go on short-term disability leave from work. Eventually, I was scared... it felt like I was dying... My primary doc insisted it was simply depression and insisted all I needed was to start taking an antidepressant. I had been suggesting for over a year that we check my pituitary gland but he refused, always reverting back to his depression assumption. But I found another doc who would check it and sure enough the tests confirmed what I suspected - complete pituitary failure! Finally, it was all starting to make sense! So I started on full hormone replacement and of course started getting excited about kicking off 2002 with my next comeback!

My excitement didn't last long... I kept waiting to get better but before long, I was back on disability. For all that Spring, I kept going back to work, then back on disability, trying to work, then back on disability. I gave it everything I had, but clearly wasn't able to do even the simple tasks in my computer job. I was finally let go in August. I spent the next couple of years trying to get answers but no one could explain why I was doing so poorly - when it was assumed that with full hormone replacement the pituitary issue wouldn't keep me from being able to function at an almost-normal level. By the summer of 2004, I had ballooned up to 330 lbs and could hardly even stand on my feet for more than a few minutes. My  endocrinologist didn't know what else to do, saying that he was sorry, but that this was probably as good as it was going to get... and that I needed to be realistic and just accept it...

In the fall of 2004, I received a new CPAP machine - one that had an automatic pressure sensor. I figured it might work better than the old one and sure enough it did! I felt such an improvement that I went to the bike shop and bought a hybrid bike! I was too heavy to hop on my old road bike but the hybrid worked like a champ. I was only able to go around the block, but the important thing was that I was back on the bike! That led to my big comeback of 2005. Along with the new CPAP, and better managing my hormone medications, I was able to begin working out consistently. By summer, I was back on my old road bike. Using the Body-for-LIFE program I dropped over 100 lbs! Clearly, THIS comeback was the real deal! Finally!

I had a rough time in the Spring of 2006, which was expected since it was allergy season, but I figured by summer I'd be back on track with my fitness program. But I kept waiting and I wasn't feeling better. My  endocrinologist again insisted he was doing everything that could be done and that I couldn't blame everything on medical issues. What?! He strongly suggested that I needed to see a psychiatrist or I wouldn't get better. The psychiatrist laughed at my doc's assumption, saying he knew what depression was and I didn't have it! He said he was amazed at how happy I was, considering that I had struggled with illness for so long. I figured it was time to get a new endocrinologist!

The new endocrinologist gave me a stunning assessment on our first visit. His theory was that maybe my pituitary gland was actually still functional, just mostly dormant. If that was the case, occasional activity from the pituitary gland would cause all sorts of erratic hormone levels making it impossible to get my levels dialed-in and explaining why I was still struggling so much! I was stunned by his theory, but it sure made sense! I then had a pituitary stimulation test done and son-of-gun my pituitary gland responded! Unbelievable! He then proposed that we try to restart the pituitary gland using a long process of slow withdrawal from the hormone medications. Although there was a slim chance that it would work he insisted that it was my only real chance to get better. So for the next few months, I gradually tapered down, hoping this would actually work.

The  specialist had warned me that tapering off of hormone medications such as Cortef - which is what was being used to maintain cortisol levels - could be as rough as withdrawing from heroin. I was skeptical of his warning until I started getting down to the lower doses. I felt exhausted and started experiencing anxiety, claustrophobia and sleep difficulties. Eventually, I reached my limit and increased my medicines back to the old levels.He was disappointed that I had aborted the withdrawal, but I just couldn't live like that. In the Spring of 2007, I figured I'd try the withdrawal process again, but by April, the side effects were so severe that one night I found myself so desperate that I called a suicide hotline. I wasn't suicidal or even close to it, but I was so anxious and emotionally being stretched that I really needed to talk to someone - now! - and since it was 3 in the morning, I couldn't call friend or knock on a neighbor's door! Anyway, I abandoned that withdrawal attempt as well and figured I'd just have to live with my greatly diminished health...

In January 2008, my doc suggested we try the withdrawal process one more time, but this time we would go much slower. The plan was that we would take a year instead of just 6 months and hopefully avoid the severe side effects that I experienced before. I figured I had to give it just one more try... After 6 months, I was encouraged because I wasn't having any severe side effects. Then in August, my doctor informed me that the lab tests indicated that my pituitary gland had restarted! Amazing! Miracles do happen! Now, I truly do have a new life!

For the rest of 2008, the focus was on continuing with the withdrawal process until I was completely off of all of the hormone meds. In the Spring of 2009, after being on full hormone replacement since 2001, I took my last dose of Cortef. Because it was allergy season, I wasn't surprised that I was still dragging. I figured by summer I'd  be back to riding the bike and feeling the full benefits from my restarted pituitary gland. But by April, I was as sick as I had been in years. It was the same flu-like symptoms and fatigue that I had been told all these years was because of the pituitary disorder! Apparently, that wasn't true! I was stunned! What the heck happened?! None of my docs had any idea and once again I decided I'd better put on my doctor hat and sort this out...

I had unexplained skin rashes that first appeared in 2001 and my dermatologist was never able to effectively treat them. They had been better in recent years, but were now back with a vengeance. I then started asking myself what condition similar to mine was treated with any of the meds I was taking for the pituitary issue and thus would flare up after withdrawal? After lots of research, I came across info on Celiac. I'd never even heard of the illness, but sure enough it  sounded like what I was going through! When I saw the part about Celiac causing skin rashes, I knew I was really on to something! Eventually, tests confirmed what Dr. Jim (me!) had diagnosed. I started on a gluten free diet and by the end of the summer I was rolling up miles on the bike like I hadn't since 1995...

The spring of 2010 was the usual downtime due to the allergy season, although it hit me harder than I expected. But by summer, the pollens were down and I was back to putting in long rides on the bike. I was still far from well, but by putting most everything else on the back burner I was able to do enough training to complete a 100-mile ride in October. Shazam! Now we're talking! I really looked forward to 2011, hoping I could take my fitness back to the high level it was in 1995. I still hadn't made it below 230 lbs, but that sure beat the heck out of 330 lbs in 2004! I wasn't surprised that I was derailed again by illness as the pollen season unfolded... this was pretty much standard procedure every year. It wasn't like what most people think of when they think of allergy issues. I had started every day since early 1996 with a significant level of sickness. Triggers such as gluten and pollens raised it to a profound level. The various medical conditions among the way certainly made things even more debilitating,  but even on my best days, I still was far from functioning at a normal level. My best time of year was usually August through October -  but in 2011, my good time of year never showed up.

I rode out the allergy season in 2012 mostly on the couch, but when summer arrived I once again didn't see my usual improvement. My thyroid disorder, Celiac, sleep apnea and asthma all seemed well under control so I just didn't understand why the underlying illness continued on at such a debilitating level. I then started to reassess my medical history and look for a common thread. Clearly, most all of my stuff over the years was driven by an underlying autoimmune condition - where the immune system attacks the body. My doctors pretty much agreed, but still had no answers as to why I still felt so sick much of the time. The general diagnosis was autoimmune-driven chronic fatigue, but no treatment was prescribed. Basically, I was told I'd just have to live with being sick and that compared to their other patients they thought I was doing extremely well! Small consolation!

I then figured that my best bet was simply to address the main triggers - gluten and pollens - with the goal of minimizing the flare-ups of the autoimmune condition. I had been getting allergy shots for months and made it a goal to stick with them. When the new year rolled around, I was determined that 2013 would be my big comeback year. Based on the previous 2 disappointing years, it took a lot of work and faith to get my confidence back. But I stayed with my fitness program and noticed right away that this allergy season wasn't derailing my exercise program. The best I could figure is that the allergy shots had finally provided the maximum benefit and that was helping keep the autoimmune condition at bay. I still felt sick every day, but at least it was workable. However, I had enough energy to do my daily workout, but not usually much more than that. So I pretty much put everything else on the back burner and made getting the weight off my top priority.

By November, I had dropped an amazing 90 lbs in 2013! I was thrilled to see things finally come together! I was even able to participate in a couple of time-trial bike races! Holy smokes, this was a whole new life! I got back a few pounds over the holidays, but started 2014 with tremendous excitement, anxious to get those few pounds off and within a few months finally be back at my normal weight. But I had an unexpectedly rough January and February with the daily sickness usually being at a profound level. I was still able to get in a workout here and there, but once again illness was starting to derail my big comeback. I had missed my monthly allergy shots last December and figured that maybe that was a key factor behind this rough spell. But I had been back on allergy shots for over a month now and wasn't getting better.

That's when I decided it was imperative that I at least see some other doctor with the hope that someone can help me. My instincts over the last couple of years have been telling me that something significant was being missed and that if I kept searching eventually some doctor along the way would have some answers. So that brings me to last week when I saw a new rheumatologist. I didn't expect him to come up with anything significant. I figured it was likely that he would also tell me I just have to live with it.

But within minutes after discussing my medical history and symptoms with him he said he knew what I had and he knew how to treat it! Holy smokes!  After more than 15 years of seeing doctors for this condition, this was the first time anyone ever provided a specific diagnosis! He prescribed a medication that had proven to be effective for my condition - a variation of chronic fatigue syndrome that occurs in some people with autoimmune conditions. I was skeptical yet optimistic. But the first day on the new med was extremely encouraging. Within a couple of hours the medication cut through the profound sickness and it felt like a huge burden was being lifted off my body. The last several days have been just as good and this is clearly looking like a big breakthrough!

Only time will tell how this plays out - whether this medication helps me long-term - but the most important thing is that I finally have a diagnosis of the underlying condition that has been there since this journey began... way back in the summer of '96...

 

Keep pounding that rock...

Happy Tuesday gang! Hope you're doing well. I'm doing better. Didn't get to sleep until 8am so of course I'm off to a late start. I hate that my sleep-cycle took such a hit, but I'm hoping within a few days I can get my daylight back. I'm still not sure what hit me, but I seem to be recovering now.

Right now, the idea of racing in a time-trial bike race - like I did last October - seems awfully out of place in my goals. My weight is still too high to get back on my time-trial bike and I've really been struggling the last few weeks on my Body-for-LIFE program. But it's not me losing interest or backing off of my determination or commitment - it's simply been a matter of illness.

It's like a rock that you're trying to break. You can hit it a hundred times without seeming to have made any impact. Then one more swing of the hammer, and it busts wide open... reminding you that all that swinging of the hammer wasn't in vain after all... Nothing for me to do but keep on pounding that proverbial rock...

There's a time-trial race in May - and guess who's excited about participating? Yep, me! It seems like a real stretch with this rollercoaster of wellness of late, but hey, I likes me a challenge! (notice my Popeye grammar? And Lord knows, I need the spark and the excitement that comes from daring to dream... even when the world and the illness insists that there's no logical reason to continue to do so...

Never stop dreaming!

Happy Friday gang! A bit of a slow start for me. My plan had been to ride the bike along the coast, but when I woke up it was clear that I wasn't up to it. Not feeling so hot and rather zonked. Eventually, I'll probably just do a short ride around the neighborhood. I was pretty excited last night when I thought about riding along the coastline today, so it was a bit of a disappointment when I realized it wasn't going to happen. But I just quickly shifted gears and focused on what I could do rather than what I "missed out on."

That's been a key coping strategy for me over the years. It's only human nature that after a gazillion disappointments - which goes with the territory with a chronic illness - a person would lower their expectations and just forget about their dreams. Why frustrate yourself getting all excited about something when it seems impossible that it'll ever happen? Maybe you should just be grateful for what you have, instead of chasing after dreams that will probably never come true. Sounds logical, right?

Well, that seems to make sense, but for me it simply doesn't work... Submitting to that kind of reasoning just takes the spark out of life. I'd rather learn to brush off disappointment than stop painting the picture of the life I want. And frankly, the life I dream of is one where the faith I've had that God has a purpose for my life comes to full fruition. I'd like to think that includes getting well, getting into top athletic condition, finding the love of my life, prospering financially - and helping others by sharing my experience...

I never know what the day will bring, but I'm determined to make the most of what I have to work with and to always keep a child-like heart, that the joy of the Holy Spirit has allowed to thrive through thick and thin - mostly thick!

Have a great weekend gang!

Happy Monday guys! It's kind of hard to believe it's already the first week of December! I better get going on my Christmas cards! I like to make my own card, but it does take a lot more work than just buying pre-made cards. My body has been giving me a hard time lately so I'm taking it day by day. I'm just gonna do my best and not stress about the rest...

I'm really jazzed that I got some Christmas lights up last night. I'm looking to put up a few more tonight. Still not feeling so hot, which is frankly quite an understatement! I just don't understand what's going on in my body. How can someone feel/be so sick, but yet look so well, while at the same time having no definitive diagnosis and thus no particular treatment plan other than "Good luck, Chuck! Hang in there?!"

Anyway, I went ahead and defined my training plan for the next several months. I felt it was important to make a leap of faith - it's my way of saying that I not only expect to get through this storm, but be sailing right along in the not-too-distant future. I'm going to extend my current Body-for-LIFE challenge through the holidays and start a new 12-week challenge on January 6th. My goal right now is frankly just to keep on trucking! Sheesh! Can I get an "Amen"!

My next challenge - C5 - will be the first one where I actually enter the Body-for-LIFE contest. Ideally, my "After" photo will show a lean and muscular body that might have a chance of winning something. That would be great, but my main goal is to get down to an optimum weight and prepare my body to compete in the local time-trial races in the Spring.

For me, I've found that one of the best things I can do when I've had a spell of feeling awful is to take some action that makes me feel empowered. Committing to a rigorous training regimen when you're sick seems quite overwhelming, but I'm sure this storm will blow through and I'm gonna be ready to roll when it does... :)

The real-deal...

Happy Monday gang! Hope you've been having a good day, although in my book if you just wake up it's a win! As you can guess it's a very late start for me. Getting to bed late + exhaustion + sciatica = getting up at 3:30pm. Pushing against my sleep cycle to make it to the starting line at 7am for yesterday's time-trial race was a big factor but also because I brought a glider with me and went flying, since RC club's field is right across from Fiesta Island. It was fun flying and seeing my friends, but it pushed me past the threshold. Anyway, I think I've recovered and I'm looking forward to another active week.

I so appreciate all of the support and kudos for my time-trial race yesterday. It means the world to me to have shared such a huge milestone with you - especially since you played such a huge supporting role! It was so gratifying to have my race go exactly as I had planned...making the most of every bit of conditioning I've been blessed with after a relatively short time back on the bike. Here's a brief race narrative...

At 7:17 sharp, I assumed my starting position - standing on the pedals, making sure I was fully clipped-in. I made a good start and quickly assumed my aero position. My focus was to get up to speed quickly but to also avoid going out too hard too soon. After about a minute, I checked my Garmin bike computer. Heart rate was at 145bpm, cadence about 100 rpm and speed about 22 mph - right on target! It was a bit misty, so I reminded myself to be careful on the turns and watch for my hands or elbows slipping off the aerobars.

Coming around the backside of Fiesta Island I was now turning into the wind - which was light, but still unexpected for so early in the morning. My heart rate was now pegged at 153-155bpm and my exertion had reached a very hard level 9. This was getting quite tough, but I felt confident I could hold onto to such a vigorous effort for the remaining 10 miles - because, frankly, I knew exactly what I was doing...

I'd only been time-trial training for a few weeks, but I had trained as effectively as I knew how to train. Just like my fitness and weight-loss program, I'd followed proven fundamentals. I had trained hard and I had trained smart. I had come to know my body well. I knew that the maximum heart-rate I could maintain for the 3 laps around Fiesta Island was about 153bpm. As I continued towards the end of the first lap I focused on my mechanics - smooth pedal stroke, head up, back straight - and most of all pedal-to-the-metal...

As I rolled into lap 2, I was jazzed to see that I was holding my heart-rate at 153bpm and keeping my cadence high. It meant that I hadn't gone out too hard on lap 1 and that I was in good shape for the rest of the race! I wondered if I could go a little harder, but a quick test shift into a harder gear made it clear - I was indeed already giving it everything I had. Just shift back down and keep on truckin' Jim! It hit me how intense and hard this was - and how relatively few people knew what this was like. But I chuckled to realize that most people would pretty much hate this pain in my legs and this huge effort coming from my heart and lungs and say "That ain't for me!" I wondered for a moment if there was anyway to explain why I chose to do this...

I'm sure most people would assume that I'm motivated by a desire to accomplish a challenging athletic feat and that is part of it - but not the biggest part. More than anything else is that I never feel more intensely alive than when I'm putting the pedal-to-the-metal and giving it everything I've got - laying it all on the line out on the time-trial course...

As I started the last lap, I again wondered if I could dig any deeper, trying a harder gear. Again, my body screamed at me like Scotty on Star Trek "I'm giving her all she's got - she can't handle any more, Captain!" I was maxed out and I knew it would take everything I had to not fade at the end. Turning back into the wind, I was jazzed to think I only had 2 more miles! "You're going to finish Jim - and you're going to finish strong!" I then began to engage my hamstring muscles at the top of the pedal stroke. They would help me keep the speed up. Just like afterburners on a jet, they wouldn't last long, but all I needed was a couple of minutes!

Coming around the last turn, I thought of how unlikely it was that I was even here - out on the race course. How many years did I tell people that my dream was to race in a time-trial...while being so heavy and sick that even riding a bike around the block was a stretch. I thought about all the people who believed in me - and still do. How lucky I was to have them cheering me on even when the only thing I could ride was the couch. And I thought about the loved ones who are no longer here - especially my brother Jerry, who had always been my biggest cheerleader. I wanted so much for them to be at the finish line, but I couldn't help but think they were all cheering from Heaven...

The last hundred yards I turned into a madman, unleashing everything I had left into my legs and breathing so hard and haggard that I could see a couple of spectators going bug-eyed, wondering if the guy in the Captain America jersey was about to explode! I made a quick note to stay focused and not make a mistake by losing my grip or coming unclipped! I rolled across the finish line and felt such a rush of victory and the simple but profound satisfaction of a job well done...

As I rolled down the street to cool down, I thought about what this meant to me. I wasn't looking to place or win a medal, but simply just be a part of something that had eluded my grasp year after year. I had been the fat guy... the sick guy... the out-of-touch dreamer... and the big-talking middle-aged has-been... But today, I was finally where I belonged. Today, no one could claim it was just talk or endless speculation or fruitless daydreaming. Today it was real. Despite the odds and the years of unrelenting frustration and disappointment, I had finally made my dream my reality. I had finally become in body what I'd always been in my heart...a genuine, bona-fide, real-deal time-trial racer... And it felt good - damn good...

Thanks gang for always cheering me on... :)

My physical therapy victory

Happy Wednesday gang! Hope your day is feeling more like a blessing than a burden. I've actually been up several hours, but made it a point to get out and fly one of my radio-controlled gliders before the wind kicked up too much. With all the focus on my Body-for-LIFE program and riding the bike, I just haven't had the bandwidth or energy to get in much flying the last few months. But I had a nice 45-minute flight, catching several thermals and just enjoying the magic of my plane floating overhead. What a great hobby!

Anyway, I forgot to mention a very interesting aspect of Sunday's time-trial race. My physical therapist - who has been such a big part of my recovery from the IT band inflammation injury that kept me off the bike from last summer until May of this year - was working the registration booth! How cool is that?! What a great outcome that was for an injury that basically had me walking like I was crippled.

It started in August 2012, when my left hip and knee developed sharp pain that made me wince with every step. I was awfully concerned that permanent damage had been done or that surgery would be necessary. No doubt, I had set myself up for injury by not following my tried and true guideline: no hill climbing on the bike when the weight was above 250 lbs. Here I was at 283 lbs, pushing hard up hills as steep as an 8% grade. Sure enough, my doctor confirmed that the injury was due to over-exertion. Funny, but I never felt any pain on the bike, only when I walked, so I didn't figure I was overdoing it. Oh well, lesson learned...

When the doctor prescribed nothing more than physical therapy, I was skeptical that he had the right treatment plan. But after my first physical therapy session, my therapist was optimistic I could heal without surgery - but it would take a lot of therapy and a lot of time. So I told myself I had to drop 50 lbs before I could get back on the bike. As my therapy continued on into 2013, I wondered if my therapist and her staff might be getting tired of hearing how serious of a cyclist I USED to be. At 293 lbs, I certainly didn't even remotely look the part! But they just kept cheering me on, week-after-week, as the weight gradually came off.

I looked forward to my physical therapy sessions in large part because of the support of the staff. I was so jazzed to share each week's progress and so glad I had such a great group of cheerleaders! In May, when I had finally dropped 50 lbs and did my first bike ride of 2013, I was thrilled to share my big victory with them.

And how fitting that a key person on my "pit crew", my physical therapist, would be there to witness my first time-trial race in many years! It made me realize that making a big comeback inherently benefits not only you but those around you. My therapist will no doubt be able to use my example to help inspire other patients. My friends and family have been able to share this long but victorious journey - and they at least know such improbable comebacks are indeed possible.

I hope that one thing you can take away from today's post is the realization that making your own comeback is not a selfish venture. It might seem that the only person who benefits is yourself, but the truth is your determined and persistent efforts are helping those you care about. They get to experience the joy and even relief of seeing you do better. They get to share in the excitement of your hard-earned victories. And your example just might be the spark and the hope they've desperately needed so that they can start their own life-changing comeback...