For the last several years, I've gotten used to spending Thanksgiving alone, as well as most other holidays. That's partly because all of my family is in Texas and I live in San Diego - but mostly it's because of the chronic illness. My wife took off with my best friend in 1993, and a big factor was that she saw that I was getting sick and she wanted to run away.
Being the sociable person that I am, I built a new social life after that, but over the years those friends pulled away, for various reasons - but most of them related to the illness. And I had a girlfriend or two along the way, but eventually illness derailed my dating life. I've got some close "real-world" friends now, but after having to cancel countless times due to illness, they eventually stopped inviting me. And actually, it's a relief to not get social invites as long as the illness is as profound as it is.
So I'll enjoy Thanksgiving tomorrow - grateful that I'm even still here. It's completely understandable how such a profound illness could lead to even the friendliest person spending the holiday alone. And I'll have a good time, despite flying solo. However... It still just seems so bizarre, that that dedicated family man of long ago, whose life revolved around his wife, stepson and family and friends for so many years, is alone.
My brain isn't puzzled at all, but my heart still doesn't quite accept it. Granted, many people with normal health also find themselves alone due to circumstances beyond their control. But perhaps the harshest reality is not being alone but the realization that an overwhelming chronic illness makes it extremely difficult to do much about it. Most social avenues, such as dating, require at least a minimal amount of predictable and consistent wellness. And for someone like me, the illness is so overwhelming that a social life isn't even on my radar screen.
My main thought was to share how illness has impacted how I spend my holidays and what a huge contrast Thanksgiving is now compared to all those years when it was a big event with longtime friends and family - and to express my empathy and support for anyone in a similar situation. No doubt, it's just part of life that loved ones come and go and sometimes being alone is inevitable. But even though I think I have a great perspective about it, I sometimes still feel a "flare-up" of that deep familiar "ouch" - that disconcerting churning that I didn't deserve such an injustice. Like any normal and compassionate human being, I wanted so much to believe that even with a chronic illness, that those who I dedicated my life too would have stood by me the way I would have certainly stood by them...through sickness or health, come what may...