Jim's Place

Turkey for one?

For the last several years, I've gotten used to spending Thanksgiving alone, as well as most other holidays. That's partly because all of my family is in Texas and I live in San Diego - but mostly it's because of the chronic illness. My wife took off with my best friend in 1993, and a big factor was that she saw that I was getting sick and she wanted to run away.

Being the sociable person that I am, I built a new social life after that, but over the years those friends pulled away, for various reasons - but most of them related to the illness. And I had a girlfriend or two along the way, but eventually illness derailed my dating life. I've got some close "real-world" friends now, but after having to cancel countless times due to illness, they eventually stopped inviting me. And actually, it's a relief to not get social invites as long as the illness is as profound as it is.

So I'll enjoy Thanksgiving tomorrow - grateful that I'm even still here. It's completely understandable how such a profound illness could lead to even the friendliest person spending the holiday alone. And I'll have a good time, despite flying solo. However... It still just seems so bizarre, that that dedicated family man of long ago, whose life revolved around his wife, stepson and family and friends for so many years, is alone.

My brain isn't puzzled at all, but my heart still doesn't quite accept it. Granted, many people with normal health also find themselves alone due to circumstances beyond their control. But perhaps the harshest reality is not being alone but the realization that an overwhelming chronic illness makes it extremely difficult to do much about it. Most social avenues, such as dating, require at least a minimal amount of predictable and consistent wellness. And for someone like me, the illness is so overwhelming that a social life isn't even on my radar screen.

My main thought was to share how illness has impacted how I spend my holidays and what a huge contrast Thanksgiving is now compared to all those years when it was a big event with longtime friends and family - and to express my empathy and support for anyone in a similar situation. No doubt, it's just part of life that loved ones come and go and sometimes being alone is inevitable. But even though I think I have a great perspective about it, I sometimes still feel a "flare-up" of that deep familiar "ouch" - that disconcerting churning that I didn't deserve such an injustice. Like any normal and compassionate human being, I wanted so much to believe that even with a chronic illness, that those who I dedicated my life too would have stood by me the way I would have certainly stood by them...through sickness or health, come what may...

"Uh,I think we're going to need a bigger fire truck!"

Anyone familiar with chronic illness most likely understands that the simple things are no longer simple and that the inherent physical burden of being sick, fatigued and in pain dramatically limits what you can get done each day. But lately, I've realized there is another key factor that I don't think many people are aware of.

For me, when I roll out of bed, I'm usually quite sick. There's a huge shock to the system as my body screams at me that something is terribly wrong! Of course, I already know something is terribly wrong! Duh! But as accustomed as I am to starting my day with that profound run-over-by-a-truck feeling, each episode usually generates churning thoughts that demand attention...

"Are the doctors missing something big? Do I really have the condition they say I do, or is it something else?"

"Am I really getting the proper treatment? Shouldn't I be doing much better on this medication?"

"Did I do something yesterday or the day before that contributed to me being so sick today?"

"Jim, you've got to do something! You don't want to go on living like this, do you?! You've got to rattle some chains with your doctors! Or check yourself into the Mayo Clinic! Do whatever you have to do, but do something different - because this isn't working!!!"

I'm sure you can relate to starting your day with a similar built-in workload of mental and emotional effort. It usually takes me at least a couple of hours to shake off the sickness enough to feel up to doing anything, but my first activity is usually responding to those alarms and sirens, assessing the details behind today's flare-up - often evaluating if I've called in every available resource to respond to these ongoing "emergencies". And I also try to reassure myself that if this "fire" can't be put out, that at least I'm doing everything humanly possible to avoid going up in flames...

"Osho, the great"

Sometimes, I feel compelled to research popular cultural figures when my instincts tell me they are charlatans. Lately, I've seen a lot of nice-sounding quotes from Osho, also known as Rajneesh - a legendary Indian guru who died in 1990, but still has a worldwide following.

Oh man, underneath the peace and love veneer was a disturbing and destructive mindset. I wasn't surprised that he mocked Christianity and claimed that the resurrection never happened - that it was actually part of a conspiracy! But for such an "enlightened" person, he was quite adept at creating volumes of tortured logic to promote and rationalize a selfish, gratification-driven approach to life. In addition to being so hedonistic, he promoted such ideas as abandoning your marriage after it no longer serves your purpose (i.e. after having children) and he blamed rape on society - claiming that because society was so against sex, the man had no other option. Yikes! That's just a few examples of what I came across while reading his own words. My God, how in the world did this nutjob attract so many followers?!

These charlatans stand out like a sore thumb to me and I have a hard time understanding why so many people don't see what is so obvious to me. Actually, I do... People like Osho know how to say what appeals to vulnerable, hurting people - or anyone who has become disenchanted with society. The sayings and philosophy are driven by what sounds good and feels good, with no requirement that his approach works. And when you're free to ignore any inconvenient truth, it's a lot easier to say what your followers want to hear. On the surface, each quote may sound like a revelation - and might actually have some merit - but in my experience it's best to avoid such toxic influences...

Ok, that's my cultural observation of the day - time to work on writing something humorous! :)

Happy Talk

Boo! I just woke up - at 10:30pm! I'd better hurry up if I'm going to squeeze in my plans for Wednesday before Thursday! Despite the unexpectedly late start, I'm actually quite jazzed. I feel better than I have in weeks and I'll have a lot of daylight tomorrow to work with. I haven't even been out in the daylight this month, so that's big-time progress!

Anyway, this last few weeks has been awfully trying, but am I gonna let it dishearten me? Nope! Am I going to back off of my dreams or concede to that voice that's trying to convince me that this is as good as it gets? No way in hell! I'm taking every doubt, every fear and every frustration and using them to fuel the flame of determination until it becomes a raging bonfire!

Yes, all of this has rattled me, but despite the illness doing such a number on my body, I still have the option to make the best of it. It's disturbing to see my weight up and disappointing that I haven't been able to ride the bike even half as much as last year. But rather than feed that little monster of defeat by counting my losses I'm counting my countless blessings...and looking forward to the time when I've sailed through this storm into calmer waters...

I'm dreaming of that moment in the not too distant future... When I'm back on my bike, riding along the San Diego coastline. I'll have recovered from 2014 and be in the best shape of my life. I'll feel such a sense of victory, because I finally got the breakthrough on the illness I had been praying for. And I'll feel so blessed that after all of those years of being by myself, that when I go home today, I finally have someone to go home to... What a dream, huh? But who's to say that today's dream can't become tomorrow's reality?

I often think of the movie "South Pacific" and the lyrics of "Happy Talk" - "You've got to have a dream, if you don't have a dream, how you gonna have a dream come true?"

Bingo! :)

"You could learn a lot from a soldier..."

Obviously, anyone who serves our country should be admired and respected, but there's an additional aspect to joining the military that I think is also of great importance to the well-being of our nation.

Throughout our culture, a dominate theme is how to get more money or whatever it is that a person desires. Whether it be to get an education, develop a skill, change occupations, find a partner, etc. Those pursuits are typically not selfish, but I really admire anyone who is more focused on giving than receiving.

Such is the case of the soldier. The soldier makes a legal and moral commitment to serve our country, knowing full well that it might mean giving it all. In a culture that promotes a selfish "what's in it for me" disposition and values personal gain over doing the right thing, the soldier puts honor, integrity, courage, dedication and loyalty above self. While so many in our society scoff at such "old-fashioned" values, the soldier is the shining example that those values are still as relevant and important as ever.

When so many people base their votes on what they hope they can get out of the government the soldier lives every day with the focus on serving our country. While so many Americans are looking for the easy way out, the soldier unequivocally accepts that sometimes suffering and sacrifice are necessary and that their responsibility is to face the battle with courage, rather than look for someone else to blame when things get rough.

I have tremendous respect for everyone in uniform, for what they do, but also for what they stand for. It is so popular nowadays to scoff at American traditions and values, deeming them outdated - the dominion of those who don't think for themselves...backward thinking Neanderthals who aren't smart enough to realize that the New Thought ideas are better than the "narrow-minded" approaches of the past...

Well, I've been a staunchly independent thinking person all of my life and have explored countless ideas with an open mind, refusing to adopt any belief or perspective without careful and thorough examination. Certain ideas and beliefs adopted by the masses did indeed prove to be flawed and I adjusted my own thinking to be better aligned to what I felt was the truth. But surprisingly, most of those traditional, "corny " ideas have stood up to my scrutiny and the test of time.

I'm all for exploring new ideas and ways of doing things, but with all of the distortions, deceptions and outright lies that dominate the attacks on American traditions and values, I have a suggestion for the young people of our nation. Whatever path you choose to take, consider committing to adopting the character of the American soldier. Honor, integrity, respect, personal responsibility, service to others, hard work, discipline, self-sacrifice are not out-of-date and the the truth is that the lack of those values is the problem, not the adherence to them. There is a disturbing shortage of suitable role models for young people today. I say that you'd be hard-pressed to find a better role model than a soldier who served with honor and integrity..

A matter of character

What some people don't realize is that the driving force behind me sharing the good, the bad and the ugly of my daily challenges with chronic illness is not to garner attention, sympathy or even support. Mostly, it's about integrity and the desire to feel connected to those I care about.

Watering down or spinning my situation to make it seem minor when in truth it profoundly impacts my life would basically be trying to sell a lie. Losing your health shouldn't mean you have to lose your character...

My private marathon

With a chronic illness, just hanging on can be just as much of an endurance event as a marathon is for a healthy person - and with a chronic illness you have to do this marathon effort every day, even for those tasks that for most people are simple...and there's no medal...and no cheering crowds...

"If that's liberalism, no thanks..."

Happy Tuesday guys! Still not feeling up to a workout but at least I did get out and vote! For me, this election boiled down to freedom or tyranny. It seems obvious to me that Obama is the most corrupt and tyrannical President in American history. Although he's not on the ballot, anything that can be done to stop him is a step towards liberty - and not just for conservatives, but even his supporters.

From what I've seen, most liberals support or at least turn a blind eye to the constant attack on religious freedom, the second amendment and personal liberty in general. They're perfectly fine with the principle of violating others' rights if it promotes their agenda. Well, even if your agenda is noble, supporting the tyrannical approach being used by Obama and the Democratic party is 50 shades of wrong. And in the big picture, you're actually supporting giving up your own liberty by establishing the precedent that liberty should be sacrificed if those in power decide it's okay to take it from you.

I'm a compassionate person who tries to understand a person's perspective on controversial issues such as same-sex marriage, tax policy, abortion, healthcare, marijuana legalization, environmental issues, etc. I know a lot of liberals genuinely want to do the right thing and just disagree with conservatives on what the right thing is. I think it's great to stand up for what you believe - but with integrity and respect for opposing views, which seems to be rare on the left.

That tolerance of different viewpoints is glaringly absent from the Democratic party and apparently from most of the liberal universe. Not only is there a lack of tolerance, but an epidemic of downright bigotry and vitriol towards those fellow Americans whose only offense is to believe differently. Yes, there are those on the right who are crude and disrespectful in their treatment of liberals, but they are the exceptions. By and large conservatives just want to live their lives in a moral and responsible manner and are respectful of those who don't have the same beliefs. Mostly, they take a live-and-let-live perspective towards others and just go on about their lives...until those others become hell-bent on attacking their freedom...

In today's warped media, a conservative standing up for his rights is a bigot, but the liberal trying to take them away is a hero. Under the guise of social and economic justice, those who have earned a great deal of wealth are demonized and stereotyped as greedy and evil. Of course, if that rich person is a liberal, then they are worshipped by the left.

Christians are portrayed by the left as pretty much the worst evil on the planet. Nothing could be further from the truth. Frankly, the answer for America's problems is not atheism or turning away from God. Even unbelievers would fare much better if this nation had more Christianity.

It appalls me to read the vile, crude and demeaning terms the left commonly uses to characterize Republicans, Christians and conservatives - and especially the Tea Party and Sarah Palin. And no, it's not the same on the right - not even close. And even worse is that those demonizing characterizations are based on nothing more than lies and convenient distortions of the truth. Frankly, liberalism as it's mostly practiced today is a low-class, angry, vindictive pursuit to get even with people who actually haven't done you any harm. Underlying the agenda, is a vested interest in being a victim, anything necessary to blame others rather than accept responsibility for your own life and your own happiness - and your own poor choices.

If conservatism was actually what the media and liberals portrayed it as, I wouldn't have anything to do with it. But thank God, I'm able to see through the epidemic of lies and deception that have swept the nation in recent times. My prayer is that the people who were deceived by Obama realize they were had by a con-artist and a liar, who will say or do anything in the pursuit of power - the country and it's citizens be damned...

I'm all for compassion, generosity, caring for the poor and downtrodden, safety nets for people who really need it, conservation and respect for our natural resources and parks, etc. but if you're going to pursue your agenda by trying to destroy fellow citizens who have done no wrong, then count me out... If that is what liberalism is going to continue to be, then I hope this election is the beginning of its demise. One of the profound messages that I hope this election sends to the Democratic party and its constituents is to find a more constructive and honorable way to promote those issues that you feel passionate about...and never again demonstrate such blatant disrespect for the freedoms and liberty that so many Americans have fought and died for...

"Mind, body, green!"

On the surface, the concepts behind terms such as mind-body-green, raw food, natural living, holistic medicine, organic, non-gmo, etc. seem like nothing more than ideas that promote a healthy body. I certainly agree with the common-sense advice to eat wholesome food, exercise, etc. but I often see a very disturbing agenda behind such innocent façades...

In essence, the influence of so many "natural living" websites and magazines is antithetical to the Christian faith. Interspersed with solid and long-proven principles of nutrition and health there are often a conglomeration of pseudoscience, mysticism and downright-but-popular lies. There's an emphasis on a metaphysical approach, where anything Eastern is good and anything Western is bad. Commonly, there's often a paranoid conspiracy-theory slant on food, medicine, the pharmacy industry, etc.

Although, spiritual health is usually touted as an important aspect of wellness, you'll never hear a mention of the Holy Spirit. You'll see many quotes from Buddha, Ghandi, psychologists, etc. but not from Billy Graham or any other Christian leader. In the guise of promoting a healthy planet, you'll find numerous articles about saving the planet, but nothing about saving a soul. And it's quite illuminating how any mention of political/cultural issues usually tows the liberal line.

The idea of healing yourself with food, herbs, mindset, affirmations, etc. promotes the idea that you don't really have to trust in anything other than yourself. It makes it easier to believe that you possess all the "divinity" needed to be healthy and whole. Again, I'm a big fan of positive thinking and doing my part to address my health issues, but there's just no substitute for faith in God. And I'm talking about the God of the Bible, not the generic build-your-own-higher-power-however-you-want "God". Even though the authors might not be attacking Christianity directly, they never present it as an important component of a healthy life. Buddhism, Hinduism, or just about any New Age spiritual perspective get tons of attention, but the God of the Bible? Not a word...

I don't get the impression that this bias by omission and/or favor of other spiritual perspectives/faith is typically driven by malicious intent. My guess is that most of the "natural living" proponents just simply don't consider Christ or the Bible as anything important to healthy living. But from what I've seen, even the most avid follower of the suggested advice of these Eastern-influenced healthy living gurus, is clearly not healthy spiritually, when they don't live their lives with the Holy Spirit as the driving component of their daily regimen.

And I often see even devout Christians being drawn into this insidious attempt by the enemy to use such appealing (but deceptive and untruthful) concepts to promote the nutritional equivalent of the New Age movement. At best, it pulls a believer into a place where they're providing validation and support of an environment that is counter to a faith in God...and at worst, to give the enemy a foothold to attack your beliefs and to become complicit in supporting the lies of the enemy...