Jim's Place

"Mr. Giddy"

Sometimes it really stands out that I have an uncommon perspective on adversity. I think a lot of my friends don't realize that despite feeling sick 24/7, that I'm usually in a good mood and often downright giddy! I guess it'd be easy to think I've just detached from painful emotions as a coping mechanism - that I just discard the negative and focus on the positive. But that ain't it...

I treat every emotion as valid - even the painful ones. I don't try to just put them behind me or avoid feeling them, but rather I tackle them head-on. I try to understand what's going on beneath the surface, to come to terms with those feelings of hurt, loss, fear and doubt. I try to figure out what's causing each emotion and what I can do about it. Often, just validating the existence of that emotion is all that's needed to quell the churning, but sometimes I have to take a moment to grieve...giving that kid in me heartfelt support with something such as "I'm so sorry, Jim, that you've been so sick for so long..."

Like anyone, I don't want to be sick! It's frustrating to have so much enthusiasm for life, but to have such limited energy. BUT I'm not going to let adversity rob me of my joy! I'm not going to require that I have the life I ultimately want before I'm happy! Yes, finding someone to share my life with is still very important, but I'm not putting my joy on hold until that happens! I'm determined to find a doctor or a treatment or some kind of way to restore my health - but in the meantime I'm still going to be "Mr. Giddy" every chance I get!

And despite the messages from the world that infer that my situation is sad, or tragic or a wasted life, I beg to differ. I know in my heart that God hears every one of my prayers. That everything I'm going through is part of His plan. That this often-lonely storm is not about the world discarding me, but rather Him choosing me to carry out a mission that only I can do...

My prayer is that this post might help others who are struggling with similar adversity to better cope with their painful emotions and find someway to believe that this life still has meaning. That there truly is a purpose for the pain...That despite how it looks, that this isn't a wasted life. And most of all, I hope that no matter what you face each day, that you too can always find a little joy to call your own... :)

Comfort zone? What's that?!

Some people need to understand that my lack of activity is not from being "stuck in my comfort zone" but rather from being stuck in a "miserable zone".

My perspective on compassion

The passing of Robin Williams made me think about how I've matured in my perspective on compassion. The world too often tries to invalidate a person's suffering if it appears that in some way they either brought this pain upon themselves or haven't done what it seems they should to address it.

Granted, everyone should take responsibility for their own issues if they are of sound mind, but the raw truth is that their pain is real - regardless if anyone thinks it is "justified" or not. Many people will withhold compassion for a person they view as irresponsible, because they think that's what they should do in order to hold that person accountable.

But I think you can have compassion for someone while still holding them accountable for their behavior. I can often see where a person's poor choices or perspective is the key factor behind their unhappiness, depression, etc. so I'm certainly not going to be supportive of such self-destructive tendencies - but my heart still goes out to them. No doubt that sometimes "tough love" is called for, but I'd rather risk being compassionate when it's possibly not warranted than to be cruel and inflict needless suffering on someone who's already burdened with more pain than they can handle...

"Get the picture?!"

After feeling so awful and exhausted all afternoon Friday, the logical thing would have been to take it easy and try to get to bed at a "decent" time, since my sleep-cycle has been so topsy-turvy - but right around sunset, I started getting a second wind and thought "To hell with sitting on the couch! Where's my camera?!" I didn't feel up to my planned workout, but I did feel up to a photo excursion! So I hopped in the van and headed towards the harbor.

After I made it to Coronado Island and set up my camera on the tripod, I thought about why it was so important to be here tonight, taking photos of the San Diego skyline. Obviously, it's a serious hobby and a fun activity - look at that beautiful cityscape with all of the color and reflections on the water! Who wouldn't want to be here enjoying the view?! But yet, there's still so much more than meets the eye...

There's an ongoing emotional churning that just goes with the territory when you're coping with chronic illness on a daily - or more accurately - hourly basis. I was jazzed to have flown my RC glider Friday morning and looked forward to a productive afternoon - just needed a short nap first. But the next thing I know, I'm crashed on the couch, waking up several hours later, absolutely exhausted and feeling profoundly sick - stunned and wondering "What the hell happened?! I didn't overdo it this morning, so how can I be so wrung-out?!"

I'm used to dealing with this constant rollercoaster, but it still requires me to work through a lot of the inherent emotional fallout, if I'm going to maintain my usual happy camper disposition. Eventually, I started getting a second wind and thought about going to the gym, but what I really needed was just a little fun and an emotional boost. Yes, I knew it would mess up my sleep-cycle, but this wasn't just a "want", but an urgent need!

As I stood there on the sands of Coronado marveling at the beauty of San Diego at night, I felt so giddy to be here, to have this chance to photograph such an incredible nightscape. Despite the frustrations of the day and the years of fighting against such an overwhelming and erratic array of medical challenges, I was still here... still happy... still grateful... and as excited as I could be to experience the magic of this moment... And I knew that I was right where I needed to be - taking photos in the middle of the night... feeling reassured that God still hears my prayers and that He hasn't forgotten about me...... Yeah, the photos are nice, but the meaning behind them is really the most beautiful part of this picture... :)

A little more 'sick humor'...

You might just have a chronic illness if you can say "I'm doing much better!" and "I feel awful!" at the same time! ;)