Jim's Place

Looking for my "first wind"...

Touching base... It's been a rough Saturday for me. Woke up feeling much sicker than usual - eventually going back to bed. It's the usual autoimmune-driven stuff, just much more profound than normal. My original plan was to go to the RC field to fly my glider and see my friends, do an upper-body workout and put up most of the Christmas lights. But now I'm just going to try to catch a second wind and make the best of it...

I think I need to find some new specialists. It just seems like something big is still being missed. I'm grateful for the tremendous progress I've made, but frankly it's still quite debilitating. The current diagnosis is autoimmune-driven chronic fatigue syndrome, but that doesn't explain the constant and profound feeling of sickness. It feels like poison is running through my bloodstream all the time. No one has been able to explain what is causing that. My suspicion is that it's also autoimmune-related, but hell-if-I-know! And yes, that is a real medical term! ;)

It's kind of like crossing the street and getting run over by a phantom truck. You struggle to get to your feet, but then you don't hear or see any vehicle. You clearly have bruises and scrapes but you have no idea what hit you... And then you find you're stuck in an endless loop of getting run over/recovering...as if you landed a starring role in a bad sequel to "Groundhog Day"... ;)

Anyway, thank God for the hope and joy my faith brings me...and you guys for always cheering me on... :)

Standard procedure...

Happy Friday guys! Hope your weekend is off to a good start! I'm getting ready to hop on the bike trainer, but wanted to share the challenge I've been facing this week trying to get back on track with my Body-for-Life program. In a nutshell, I let my standard slip a bit while I was in Texas.

I knew that I would have to lower my expectations for progress while I was out of town. I knew that it wasn't practical to visit family and friends and still get in a workout every day - I just don't have the energy. And as expected, I also made exceptions on the food plan to enjoy family favorites such as hot wings and barbecue. In and of itself that's no big deal, but often when you lower expectations it can result in lowering your standard.

Since I got back home Monday, I've been struggling to stay on track with my nutrition program, giving in to the impulse to have chips and dip, chocolate and even pizza. I was a bit puzzled because all year long, I have rarely let impulse cause me to stray from my Body-for-Life program. You'd think I'd be gung-ho after a 12 day break! But I sat down last night and realized what had happened...

My standard for food all year has been "No exceptions!". If I want pizza, chocolate or whatever I simply had to wait until Sunday - my "free day" as defined in the BFL program. But I realized that my standard had slipped from "No exceptions!" to "Well, maybe just this one time..." - which simply doesn't work! Even with tremendous motivation and determination you can expect that your standard is going to be tested along the way. If it's a flexible standard, then it's just like hopping on a slide at the playground - you don't stop until you get to the bottom!

I hope this helps those who are struggling to stay on track with their fitness program. You have to have a standard that sets you up for success. Even if it seems harsh to others, you know what kind of standard is appropriate for you. Ironically, a rigid standard might seem awfully restrictive, but actually it's quite empowering. I felt excited today when I woke up because I had reset my standard back to where it needs to be. It gave me a huge boost of confidence because I know THAT standard WORKS! And frankly, it's a relief because a clearly defined standard establishes boundaries that take away the stress that comes from churning over whether or not you can "get away" with making an exception to your nutrition/fitness program.

Hope this helps and no matter what, keep on truckin'!

Reconnected

Happy Wednesday gang! Hope your week is cruising along! It was another late start for me, again needing a lot of sleep. I had planned to go to the gym but just wasn't up to it. Ideally, I'll be good to go for a workout tomorrow. Geez, hard to believe it's taking so much rest to recover from my trip, but then again that's why it's called Chronic Fatigue Syndrome - duh!

Anyway, I was reflecting on my adventures in Texas... Of course, it meant a lot to visit with my family and friends, but one aspect stood out as particularly meaningful - connection. There's a long history of brokenness and trauma in our family's relationships - most of it because of my Dad. My Mom escaped from his violent behavior with us 4 boys when I was 7 years old - hopping on a bus to leave Bryan and start a new life in Fort Worth...

As a consequence, we were separated from anyone on my Dad's side of the family, which also included my sisters from two subsequent marriages. My Mom struggled to raise her four sons on a secretary's wage which resulted in us changing schools frequently as well as a few months in an orphanage when she had a nervous breakdown. Throw in a three month adventure when my Dad kidnapped us and took us to Wyoming and you can see why we felt so disconnected from any sense of family roots growing up.

So when I met my sisters for dinner the other night it was so much more than just sharing a nice meal. We had grown up apart from each other and didn't reconnect until 2000, so every chance I get to see them means the world to me. It's such a healing experience every time I see them, with every hug and every smile overwriting all those years of separation...

When I met up with a bunch of classmates the other night that I hadn't seen since the 8th grade - 45 years ago - it really hit home that I had been living with much more of a void than I realized. That reconnection with them, my sisters and family brought such a relief to an ailment I didn't even realize I had. Granted, I was aware that when a kid goes through so much chaos there's bound to be a feeling of isolation or separation from the world. But even though the adult in me had come to terms with that sense of loss and disconnection many years ago, I really felt the kid in me feeling so happy that finally he had reconnected with those friends and family that he never could really let go of...

My heart goes out to the countless children from broken homes and those who experienced trauma. Worldly wisdom often dismisses the effects of divorce and abuse, harping on the claim that children are resilient and will adapt. Generally that's true, but what tends to be overlooked is how much they suffer. Often that suffering lasts a lifetime and often is hidden behind a smile that gives no clue to the deep pain within.

I'm lucky. Early on I reached out to God and felt His presence comforting and strengthening me. My prayer is that everyone in my family is able to experience that same healing presence of the Holy Spirit. Frankly, it's that connection that has been the main reason that I've been able to be a happy camper through all these years...even during those times when I felt so separate and disconnected from the world... :)

Back from Texas!

Happy Tuesday gang! Yep, it's a late start for me, but I expected I'd need a lot of sleep after getting back in town last night - almost 14 hours. I'm not really surprised because for most of my time in Texas, I was quite exhausted. I pushed myself to do more than I normally would. I didn't post about the fatigue, because I didn't want my family to worry or feel like they were pushing me. In fact, everyone was great. It was kind of like one of my endurance bike rides where I know I'm going to have to dig deep to do it, but that the reward from the adventure will more than make up for the intense effort required.

I packed a lot into my 12 days in Texas. I visited my brothers and family in Fort Worth. I drove down to Bryan and was able to visit my aunt, uncle, a cousin, and have dinner with 3 of my sisters. And to top it off, I got to spend an evening with a bunch of my classmates I hadn't seen since 8th grade. Shazam! Without the improvement in my medical stuff this year, I don't think I would have been able to fit all of that in. It might have looked like a casual adventure, but for me it was very much an endurance event. It's a good thing I've been doing so much endurance training!

Seriously though, I had a great time. And yes, people were amazed at my progress this year. Even the casual observer is gonna notice when you drop 90+ pounds in less than a year! The downside to my trip was the negative impact on my Body-for-Life program. I haven't stepped on the scale, but I'm sure I'm up a few pounds. Crud! I fought awfully hard to get in 4 workouts and mostly stay on track with the food, but I strayed much more than planned. Frankly, I felt like I was swimming upstream, since most of the activities were centered around food and drink - and lots of it! It's kind of awkward to grab a protein shake instead of diving into a plate of sausage that just came in off the smoker!

Ideally, I'll feel up to a workout tomorrow. My plan is undo the "damage" before I go back to Texas for Christmas. I'm determined to do better with my BFL program this next trip. I'm going to try to avoid getting so fatigued. Of course, it's easy to write it off as just a matter of age, but when my 81-year old aunt was running circles around me it gave me a good frame of reference of how much of an impact the chronic fatigue issue still has on me. It still seems so bizarre to have muscles, heart and lungs that are in great shape, but still often feeling like I'm running on fumes...

However, that just gives me more determination to do better. I know in my heart that God didn't bring me this far to just let this turnaround come up short of anything less than a profound testimony of His work in me. I'm not shooting for just getting back to a normal weight, but rather to a whole new life - in a body that is not only fit, but WELL. That might seem impossible, but then again, the world doubted that I'd ever make it to where I am now. And Heaven knows, I likes me a challenge!