Jim's Place

Never too late...

Happy Saturday guys! Hope you're having fun! I'm just relaxing, watching football. Gonna get out in a bit, looking to buy a nice dress shirt, tie and slacks. It has been so long since I could wear anything that wasn't from the "Big and Tall" store, which I refer to as the "Short and Fat Shop"! Going through my closets last night, I was able to fit into many shirts that I haven't been able to wear since 1996. Shazam!

I even tried on my charcoal suit that I last wore to the 1995 Qualcomm Christmas party, when my computer career was in full swing. Funny how I felt a sense of excitement that I could button the jacket, while at the same time feeling a tinge of sadness. It made me realize how much the extra weight and the illness had cost me. It just felt like so much of life had passed me by. Back then, I had felt so confident that my 40s were going to be the best times of my life...

But even at 58, it's still not too late to have a promising future - and frankly, there has been a great deal of value from the trials of the last 18 years. I can't help but think that this was part of God's plan for me all along. I feel so fortunate and blessed that through it all, I'm still here...and that I still have that same giddy enthusiasm for life that I did as a kid.

I figure that if I've been able to be a happy camper through all of this, that I'm really gonna have a blast when I finally have someone to share the rest of my life with. My guess is that God is working on that right now. Whatever the case, I know if I do my part, he'll do his.. :)

Fatigue - the illness or the exercise?

Happy Friday gang! Hope you've got a great weekend planned! I'm off to a late start today and it's arguable if I've actually started yet! I had a rough time trying to get to sleep because of sciatica pain and as result didn't get to sleep until almost dawn - which means not getting up until the afternoon.

I had a big weekend planned, but I'm having to shift gears suddenly. The time-trial race scheduled for Sunday was cancelled. My first thought was I'd just do my own personal 20k time-trial race on Fiesta Island and treat it as a training ride. But a couple of red flags have emerged, so I'm not even sure about that...

Wednesday, during my bike ride through Mission Trails Park, my legs were fatiguing going up even small hills. I thought that it might be an overtraining issue, but the daily sickness was at a more profound level than usual - so maybe that was why I felt weaker than usual? I skipped the big hills I'd planned to climb and ended up cutting the ride short.

Thursday, I really struggled in the gym, unable to complete my full upper-body workout. That's when the red flags really started flying. I've been down this road so many times in the last 17 years... That little voice was trying to insist "Here we go again... Sorry, Jim - you've had a good run, but did you really think you could continue without the illness eventually derailing your comeback?"

But I refuse to listen to that voice. My guess is that this fatigue is not an indication of a downturn in my medical condition, but simply a part of the ebbs and flows inherent to an aggressive training program. I try to be very careful about overtraining, but frankly, I've been living on the edge of my abilities. My exercise program typically uses about 50-70 percent of my available daily energy. Even with the built-in rest and recovery of the Body-for-Life program, perhaps it's not enough for my situation..

Conventional wisdom says to listen to your body and not push yourself. That approach worked well when I was well! But what do you do when your body is always fighting you? My reality is that to do any exercise at all, I'm going to have to do it while experiencing a significant level of sickness. That makes it difficult to know when you've done too much, because it's hard to determine if your fatigue is from the underlying condition or exercise.

Conventional wisdom would also say "No wonder you're fatigued, you're exercising too much!", but after many years of trial and error, I learned that generally the fatigue was even worse when I didn't exercise. So, I'm not sure I'll do my little time-trial effort - just gonna take things hour-by-hour this weekend.

Frankly, I'm just glad to be back in the game after not even being on the field for so long. It feels like I'm getting into the best shape of my life, with the caveat that I just have to budget my energy carefully. I know a lot of people yearn to have 6-pack abs, but for me, I'm far more thrilled that I finally have my "bicycling legs" back - stronger and better than they've ever been before... :)

The heart of the matter...

Happy Thursday guys! Are we having fun yet?! I'm gonna run a couple of errands then head to the gym for my upper-body workout. I was asking myself earlier what aspect about me that I could share that might help others. I've talked about my faith, optimism and persistence, but I think my cheerful disposition is a key part of my ability to usually be a happy camper.

I'd like to think that all I have to do to be cheerful is just wake up, be grateful and have a positive outlook. No doubt, that helps but "positive thinking" doesn't necessarily get to the heart of the matter. Often I see people try to tap dance around "bad" emotions - only affirming the "positive" emotions. Certainly, you do have to manage your focus or your environment will dictate how you feel, putting you on a daily roller coaster of emotions.

However, the insidious effect of trying to gloss over painful emotions in the effort to be "positive" is that it tends to invalidate the so-called "bad" emotions. As a result, that painful emotion isn't likely to get the attention it needs, being brushed aside by your "positive mind-set". Ironically, that leaves the underlying pain unaddressed, unresolved and feeds a state of anxiety, depression, fear and powerlessness. The net result is that your apparent happiness is a thin and fragile veneer. Those unaddressed painful emotions aren't just going to quietly fade away...

I think I've done an effective job of validating and addressing the "bad" emotions that so many people try to distract themselves from. I don't indulge in those painful feelings, but I do let them be felt. I don't think any emotion is invalid, but I am careful not to let any emotion drive me to be someone I don't want to be. Many people let painful emotions turn them into an angry and bitter person, jaded with life...feeling little joy in their daily struggle.

It seems so peculiar that one minute I'm working through feelings of loss from something such as illness and the next minute I'm feeling all giddy about hopping on the bike. I doubt many people would have guessed that this eternally cheerful guy grieves loss on a daily basis. You would think that would bring a person down, but I've learned that joy and pain live in the same place. You can't experience deep joy if you are tap dancing around pain.

I make it a point every day to take inventory of whatever might be churning inside. I don't set restrictions on what areas to explore. For example, I don't have rules like "don't look back, you're not going there!" It doesn't matter where the feelings might have originated from - the fact is that if you're feeling it, it's part of the present.

I hope this might help you. I'm sure a lot of my friends already have their own approach to doing "emotional homework". Whatever the case, I pray that you are able to most of the time be a happy camper...through illness...through loss...and through the inevitable adversities of life... :)

Maybe when I feel up to it?

What few people realize is that I never really feel up to doing much of anything - that every activity requires me to push through a significant level of sickness...just like everyone else with a chronic illness.

Go back to work?!

Next time someone suggests I'm able to go back to work, I think I'll hand them a list of my activities for the past week - and ask them "Ok, what kind of job can I get that allows me to only work those same 10 hours, on a random schedule - and doesn't have any stress, which makes my condition worse?"  ;)

Even fun takes work...

Some people need to understand that for many people with a chronic illness, it takes determination and courage just to have a little fun...

Balance?

Happy Tuesday gang! I'm getting ready to go to the gym. Just gonna do ab exercises and then come back and do a leg strength workout on the bike trainer. I was thinking last night about where I want to go from here - not just with my fitness, but my life.

I've put a lot of aspects of my life on the back burner in order to stay on track with my fitness/weight-loss program. I'm sure it looks like I'm pretty obsessed with fitness and in a way that's true. But the driving force behind my "obsession" with my Body-for-Life program is a hard-earned wisdom about what works and what doesn't.

Over the years, I've heard so much talk about "balance". Some people have even derided my focus on fitness, insisting I need more balance - in essence, that I needed to back off. On the surface it sounded quite reasonable - the old "all things in moderation" perspective. Sounds good, but in many aspects of life, it simply doesn't work. Instead of being a prescription for success it is often a blueprint for mediocrity.

I started 2013 will a bold reality - to reach my fitness/weight-loss goals for the year it was going to require that I address the task with the urgency of an emergency! It's kind of like calling an ambulance if you have a medical emergency - the last thing you want the driver to do is take you to the hospital at a "moderate" pace! Hit the gas, dude, this is serious!

In the next few months I expect to reach my optimal weight and then my focus will shift to other areas of my life that have been largely ignored. I really do want to share my life with someone. I really want to be back in church - and singing in the choir. I'm looking forward to giving my condo the attention it badly needs. And I'm determined to start making rapid progress on the book I started about my journey through chronic illness - which I hope will be a testimony of hope, faith and persistence. And who knows, maybe I'll even find a way to make a few bucks from my photography.

I'd like to think I could make progress in various aspects of my life at the same time, but it just hasn't worked. That's largely due to the underlying illness. I've got about 2-3 hours a day of energy to work with. That's good for a workout, a few errands and stuff like laundry and fixing meals. I'd like to think that my health will continue its gradual improvement to where I can put in a full day every day. I do believe that God is at the heart of my big comeback of 2013 and that He has big plans for my life. If so, then I can be assured that whatever energy and wellness required will at some point be provided so that I can finally carry out the mission that He has planned for me...after all these years of illness - or as I like to think of it "spiritual boot camp". :)

"Just this once..."

Happy Monday gang! Hope you've started your week off in a good mood - even if you're a Chargers fan!

I started today by doing a little self-coaching, regarding my Body-for-Life program. I'm in week 2 of Challenge #4, and I noticed a couple of red flags that needed my immediate attention. After 38 weeks straight on an aggressive fitness regimen, it's only human to be tempted to back off a little, assuming it won't really hurt. Besides, after dropping 89 lbs, I can take it a bit easier now - right?!

In a nutshell, "Hell no!" Usually, I follow the BFL nutrition plan closely all week, then eat what I want on Sunday. But Saturday night, I picked up some banana chips and gluten-free Oreo-style cookies, figuring it wouldn't hurt to get a head start on my free day. But then on Sunday, I ended up eating just about as much as I normally did on my free day, thus the net result of Saturday night's splurge was a big boost in calories for the week. Crud!

The red flag is not so much the extra calories, but rather the focus behind it. Clearly, my mind was asking "What can I get away with?!", and I know from experience how detrimental such a "Just this once..." slip in your standard can be. Lowering the standard that brought you success in the past, pretty much ensures you won't succeed going forward. It's like a slide on the playground - once you get on it, you don't stop until you reach the bottom.

An insidious effect of lowering your standard is that it also tends to lower your passion and confidence. On the surface, it seems that backing off a little should only have a minor effect on your progress, but it doesn't usually work that way. Often, it's the first step towards dropping your fitness program altogether. As your progress suffers, you start to lose your enthusiasm and excitement. Eventually, you get tired of just pushing through the drudgery of workouts, because under the surface you've adopted the belief that this isn't really going to work...

I hope this helps you - not only in the fitness realm - but for anything you're trying to achieve. It's crucial to find some way to feel empowered every day. Often, just raising your standard will bring newfound passion and excitement. And along the way you're going to have to guard against complacency, especially after making tremendous progress. It is so important that you follow YOUR standard - not someone else's. Even though many people think I look great, my standard says I'm still not done.

BTW - With a chronic illness as well as the realities of life, you are sometimes forced to lower your expectations - and that often leads to lowering your standard. But if you get a break from the adversity or illness, revisit your current standard and ask yourself if it's time to raise it. If so, give it a whirl, and I'm sure you'll be thrilled that you did... :)

What's normal?

It's hard to argue with someone when they say "That's normal for your age.", because I simply have no idea of what normal is!

Self-defeating agendas...

Happy Thursday guys! I say it's a great day to be alive! (As if there's a bad one!) Seriously though, I try not to take anything for granted. I treat every day that I wake up as a victory - because it is! But I realize that to many people, being happy is really a hurdle.

An obvious contributing factor is when a person's expectations/requirements for being "happy" are not being met. Maybe they're disappointed with their career/job or unable to find one...frustrated or overly worried about their kids...or feeling unfulfilled in their marriage/relationship - or lack thereof! And of course, if you're dealing with adversity such as financial stress, illness or deep loss/suffering it can be awfully hard to be the proverbial happy camper...

But I've observed quite a few people over the years who aren't happy mostly because of a less obvious factor - an underlying agenda that stands in the way. Usually, they don't even seem to be aware of it. This self-defeating agenda causes them to view being happy as an invalidation of personal issues that are important to them. Here are a few examples:

"If I'm happy, then that makes it look like the abuse I suffered as a child was no big deal! "

"If I'm happy, then people will think my ex wasn't that bad and didn't really hurt me that deeply!"

"If I'm happy, then people might think that I've been putting on an act - that this illness isn't as serious as I claim it is!"

Along with self-defeating agendas, self-defeating perspectives can also do a number on your ability to feel content. A prime example is that many people are concerned that being happy with what they have will mire them in mediocrity and cause them to lose their drive to make more out of their lives. I can understand the fear that you might be tempted to settle for less than what you really wanted, but if that means you won't feel happy until someday in the future, when you've achieved certain things, then what kind of life is that?

Based on the conventional wisdom of the world, I should be depressed and quite unhappy. There's plenty of "reasons" why that "makes sense" - an abusive father that I was terrified of, chronic illness, the loss of my computer career, still single 20 years after the divorce...etc... But fortunately, I not only accepted and came to terms with those adversities, but I've worked really hard to identify and tackle any possibly self-defeating agendas lurking beneath the surface.

I hope you can benefit from me sharing my experience. I know everyone is unique, but I feel that in general if you truly work at it, you can be a happy camper most of the time. I'm not saying you won't feel emotional pain or stress. A lot of people think of their "happy place" as somewhere to go to detach from the everyday stresses of life, but I think of happiness as being more engaged and connected to your world - while still being able to find a little joy and contentment on a daily basis.

You'd think that with such a low requirement for being happy - waking up - that I wouldn't be driven to make much out of life, but it's quite the contrary. That feeling of contentment provides a foundation for my enthusiasm for life to flourish. And most importantly it lets me start my day in an empowered state - giving me the best chance to make the most out of the day and this life...