Coming out of the dark...

I didn't plan on creating such a long post but then it seemed like it was necessary  - and therapeutic - to write out fully what I was feeling... I know many of you are aware of the adversities I've been dealing with for the last several months.  It has been so frustrating to be fighting so hard and have one setback after another. But in the last few days, I feel that I've gained a lot more clarity about the situation...

Last September I had just completed my third consecutive challenge, dropping over 100 pounds since I started in January 2005.  After years of struggling with chronic illness and the huge subsequent weight gain, I was finally getting my fitness back and my life.  For the first time in years, I was riding my bike regularly and had just finished my first time trial race in 10 years.  I was so excited about what might be over the next horizon.  Could it be that it was time to finally get down to my normal weight?  Could it be that now I would be able to get a handle on the illness?  And could it be that I might be able to resume a normal social life, dating and maybe even finding a partner after being on my own all these years? I was looking forward to my new life, but it wasn't long before I saw clouds forming on the horizon...

My best friend and her family had been just like family to me for almost 17 years.  I had envisioned celebrating my big comeback with them at our upcoming camping trip at the beach.  But ironically, my success brought the worst out of her.  Being overweight most of her life, she constantly made disrespectful and insulting remarks to me regarding my focus on regaining my fitness.  For months I just blew it off, but eventually it came down to taking care of me...  That's when the friendship ended and I found myself camping alone... her whole family canceling without so much as an apology not even offering to reimburse me for the cancellation fees...  Here it is a year later and I haven't heard so much as a word from any of them...

As you can imagine, I felt a great deal of hurt from that.  In many ways it felt like I was going through a divorce or the loss of a loved one. Due to my hormonal disorder, my body is a lot more sensitive to stress, and it wasn't long before I crashed.  For over a month I had to take double and triple dosages of my cortisol steroid medication to try to offset the tremendous fatigue. Even though I retained my optimism and determination that's when I first felt a dark cloud hanging over me.  All that winter I was confronted with constant sinus and respiratory infections, also requiring higher steroid dosages.  As a result my body ballooned up, offsetting much of the progress I had fought so hard to make...

I started this year with a good four weeks of progress, but my program was derailed by serious sleep issues and hormonal imbalances.  However, when I went camping in May, I felt I was finally recovering from the ending of my long-term friendships and the recent medical challenges. I was finally back in the gym, and back on the bike... 

The Champions-for-Life cruise in June was a great diversion but for most of July and August the sleep disorders continued and I still couldn't seem to shake that dark cloud... I fought every day with everything I had but frankly my gas tank, physically and emotionally, had run dry... Even I started to wonder if I was still that same highly-motivated determined man that my BFL buddies and my family respected. But last week, I started 'light therapy' to correct my topsy-turvy sleep cycle - going out into bright sunlight 8-10AM everyday even if I wasn't able to sleep the night before. It was a very rough week but I did manage to get in 4 abbreviated workouts. It seems to be working and I noticed that that dark cloud seems to have been lifted. I think I now fully realize the impact on me physically and emotionally from the recent adversity...

This setbacks of the last year in my BFL program were not due to me losing my focus...or passion...or determination. It wasn't about a character flaw or a change in priorities. Just like an athlete on the track, I've been perched in the starting blocks day-in and day-out just waiting for the chance to run my race again... This was mostly an issue of man overwhelmed with chronic illness...  But also hurting and grieving the loss of long-term friendships that he treasured... I think I did the best I could to keep the proper perspective and a positive attitude all along. Although I see things I should have done better, the raw truth is that I had to do a whole lot of things right just to hang on...

It's kind of like a broken arm... You may be the most determined, positive and intelligent person in the world but when you're arm is broken there are certain realities you will have to deal with...it's going to hurt and it's going to take time to heal. I think I knew that was the case all along but I suppose that I had hoped that because of my determination, intelligence, experience and coping skills that I could somehow be immune to at least much of the impact of taking such a beating... But often in life, there are no shortcuts to coping with adversity. You just have to hold your head up...do your best...and accept that it's just going to take time to heal...

I started my official challenge yesterday and it sure is great to be back in the gym! The other day I noticed that my beautiful candy-apple red road bike had gotten dusty over the last few months. As I wiped off the frame I could swear my bike was trying to tell me something... "Hey, buddy... We haven't been on the road in months. But, don't worry...it won't be long now. Take care of yourself and I'm ready to roll when you are..."

Thanks for listening gang... I think I'm OK now...