Jim's Place

"To sleep, perchance to dream..."

I'm no Shakespeare expert but this quote from Hamlet kind of sums up where I'm at right now, although it would be more relevant to reverse the phrases... I'm still dreaming, I'm just not sleeping!

I've once again had serious issues with my sleep cycle. I'm up all night and spend the daytime trying to get some sleep...but only able to doze off occasionally. The net result is I've been exhausted most of the time and haven't been up to working out.

In the past this has always been due to a hormonal imbalance. I was almost certain that this time the problem was caused by too low of dosage of my thyroid medication but when my lab results came in Thursday showing my thyroid levels were normal it kind of took the wind out of my sails... My initial reaction was "I've had it...I'm so tired of fighting this illness!".

But I've had a few days now to regroup and refocus... I'm determined to conquer this nemesis...to get back on track and to finally be making great progress again... I'm going to request a strong sleep medication from my doctor. That way I should be able to at least function enough to follow my BFL program while we try to resolve the illness and hormonal issues...

Then I'll have another Shakespeare quote to refer to... Although I might have to modify it just a bit...   

"To BFL or not BFL...there is no question!!! (Yuk! Yuk!)   

Karaoke night at Jim's Place

I told my Mom that I would start recording myself singing a few songs... I got a bit of head start on that by doing a quick karaoke recording on my PC. The quality is a bit lacking but I feel it's a good start and most importantly it was fun! Here's my first effort and I plan on doing this on a regular basis. I just need to figure out how to get higher quality recordings...

The first song is  "Bad Moon Rising"...Click on Bad Moon Rising to play it...

Fear and passion...

Just got back from the gym and it's obvious that I'm not in the state of mind I need to be in to have a successful challenge... I've been feeling a bit fearful... Concerned about my medical issues and feeling a bit overwhelmed by continuing problems with my sleep cycle. Seems like it's taking everything I have just to get in my workouts each day and I haven't been able to take care of other pressing issues in my life. As you can imagine, going to sleep at 5 a.m. and getting up at 3 p.m. makes it hard to take care of business!

But I won't settle for living in a fearful state. It makes you prone to giving in to impulses and habits that don't serve you well, and promotes a focus of just wanting to escape. And I know from way too much experience that that simply won't cut it! You must live each day with passion and excitement if you want to have great success in your challenge or anything else in life.

So I'm telling you gang, before the night is through I will find a way to get that passion back and leave the fear behind... And I certainly encourage all my BFL buddies to take inventory and make sure that they are also living with passion and if not to find a way to do so...

I won't go into detail as to what method to use to change your state from fear the passion but I will give you a hint...   

Replace those questions that start with 'What if I don't' to 'What if I DO'...and then follow-up with saying "Won't that be great?!"

Take care and keep on truckin'!!!   

In memory of my brother...

I heard a song the other day that reminded me of my brother Jerry... Jerry passed away in early 2002 from heart disease at the young age of 49. He had always been my biggest cheerleader. He seemed to understand better than anyone else what it was like to struggle with chronic illness... There have been many times over the last few years where I was having a hard time but got a second wind because I knew he was still cheering me on from Heaven...

The song is "My Immortal" by Evanescence and it inspired me to create this slideshow... I'm sure that anyone who watches it might feel a bit of sadness but hopefully they'll sense what I feel...a great sense of gratitude for all the years I shared with Jerry...the ongoing inspiration he still gives me...the deep and eternal love I feel for my brother...and the joy of knowing that Jerry is in a better place and in fact is still with us day in and day out...

Click on Jerry's Slideshow to play it...

I'll take it!!!

I wanted to give you an update. Although this week had a few rough spots, I'm going to chalk it up as a victory! I got most of my workouts in and ate pretty well. I feel I made progress on managing my medical condition and probably most importantly I've got my spark back... There still some significant issues with my sleep cycle and energy... I suspect my thyroid medication is way too low, but I'm sure I'll continue to make progress in those areas.

As usual I put everything into my workouts I possibly could. Beyond a shadow of a doubt I hit my high points on every single work out!!! Most of my food was on track, but I had a hard time staying on my eating schedule because of my erratic sleep cycle. I had hoped to drop some weight but it doesn't look like I did. And even my measurements seem to still be the same. But my Omron body fat calculator says I lost 1% in body fat! I'll take that! And I can certainly tell that I added some muscle.

And I've got to admit that I'm just now starting to fully recover emotionally from all of the adversity of the past several months. Talk about taking a direct hit! Now that I'm doing so much better, it's obvious that it hit me much harder than I had realized at the time... But what can I say except that I'm STILL truckin'!!! I didn't take pictures last week but will probably take pictures in a couple of days and consider this coming week as week 1.

For now I've been doing my cardio on the lifecycle, but before too long I'll finally be back on the road riding my beautiful red racing bike...

Another very positive experience this week was returning to choir after being gone for years... I have so many friends there and a couple of them commented at rehearsal Thursday night that I look better than I have in years! Even with my recent weight gain, the truth is I am far stronger, far healthier and far lighter than the last time I sang in choir... I think I'll chalk that up as a victory too!

Thanks for all your support and I can't wait to start next week! 

My mental workout today...

Today was the first day of my new challenge. At the gym, it was a bit disturbing to see my image in the mirror. It was clear that the recent setbacks and adversity had taken somewhat of a toll... but it only took a minute or so before I felt like I was back in the swing of things, hitting my high points, feeling strong again. I was so excited to finally be working out again and starting a new challenge, but I felt that nagging fear that I had felt so many times over the years... The fear of being disappointed again, the possibility that illness or some other adversity would cause yet another setback. I knew at that moment that I had to change my focus and put that fear to rest... To be successful in this challenge would require tremendous passion, leaving no room for doubt. I reminded myself that the past does not equal the future...to focus on what I wanted rather than what I feared...

I stepped back and looked at the big picture. Instead of thinking about the setbacks from illness and adversity and mistakes I decided it was time to put things into the proper perspective. The reality is that during all these years of coping with chronic illness I've never given up on my dreams or my commitment to regain my fitness. Even when it seemed 'unrealistic' and naive, I kept telling people year-after-year that someday the kid would be back... I asked myself where would I have been now if I had given up...to not risk yet another disappointment, to just 'take it easy' like so many people around me. Without a doubt, I would be far heavier than I am now - at least 100 pounds...maybe even 200 pounds. I certainly would have contracted diabetes, developed heart problems and who knows what other health complications to add to my current medical challenges. And who knows, I might not even have survived... But here I am, giving it everything I have, knowing that there's no guarantee that things will turn out the way I want them to. Although we have to accept that adversity and uncertainty are part of life that is no reason to stop dreaming...to be consumed by the fear of disappointment and failure...to give in and settle for less than your best...

And the truth is we wouldn't be able to grow into the kind of person we want to be without facing disappointments and failures. They're simply part of the process of becoming who we want to be. There are no shortcuts... According to my exercise records from the last 10 years this will be comeback number 28... Although I still have not regained my former athletic and slender body of 1995, none of those comeback attempts was wasted. I've learned from every single one and undoubtedly became a better man, gaining wisdom, insight and strength that I couldn't obtain any other way. That is not a curse but rather an incredible blessing...

I hope my my mental workout today helps you also make any needed adjustments in perspective. I sometimes wonder if God is using my example to show that even through tragedy, adversity, failure and having your dreams repeatedly shattered, there is always hope... That no matter what has happened in the past, with faith and fortitude you can still live life with passion and joy... that tomorrow can be the first day of your new life...on your way to achieving those dreams that have eluded you for so many years...