Jim's Place

Beliefs...

After several weeks of being out of commission it looks like I'm getting well enough to restart my challenge next Monday. I've got my shakes and protein bars and a new BFL success journal... But today I realized I had a good deal of homework to do mentally before I was really ready to go. It occurred to me that I just wasn't in the right place mentally or emotionally yet so I decided to sit down and think it through and figure out what the heck is going on. I guess it only makes sense that after going through a significant setback a person might expect that it would take a while to get the confidence going. But after about 15 minutes of taking inventory of what was going on inside of me I realized that there was something much bigger in the way of me being successful in my new challenge...

I realized that some disempowering beliefs had snuck into my mind...   

"I don't know Jim, maybe you're just going to have to accept that you won't be able to achieve your dreams of losing all the weight because of the constant problems with illness. You thought for sure you had it all under control last year, but things just fell apart the last several weeks. So what makes you think that it's not going to continue to be the same old story as it has been for the last 10 years?"

From a logical perspective, that belief would make sense. All I have to do is just look at what has happened in the past with the illness issues and it almost seemed like it would be unrealistic to believe anything else. And frankly I don't have much recent data to counteract that less-than-desirable conclusion. But it's a very painful way to live when your beliefs are controlled by your circumstances or your environment. If things are going well then it's not such a big deal. But when you hit the rough roads in life, sometimes you have to take charge of what you believe. It's those times when you simply have to count on your own faith...because you don't have much else to turn to. I see many people in similar circumstances who take the approach that they'll just tough it out until things get better. It's as if they can't give themselves permission to feel good about their abilities until they have some proof or evidence of their ability to succeed.

But I say you need to be a rebel. When you have few reasons to feel good about your ability to succeed in Body-for-Life or whatever, find some way to have faith that you will succeed. You need passion and excitement to conquer the challenges of life and even the most ambitious and determined person is greatly handicapped if they are carrying around disempowering beliefs that keep them in a state of fear and doubt. So I took a few more minutes this morning to do my so-called emotional and mental homework...

"Okay buddy, let's take care of this... I just can't settle for going forward feeling doubt, fear or anything less than passion and excitement. Of course, I don't know what will happen in the future regarding my illness, finances, relationships or whatever. Certainly you have plenty of reasons not to feel confident going forward but that simply doesn't matter. The only reason you need to feel great about your abilities is that you believe in yourself and you trust that God will see you through... If people think that you're being naïve and unrealistic then so be it. Remember what you always tell people Jim, you'd rather dream and risk being disappointed than not dream and guarantee it... so let's get back to being the real Jim... Is it a deal? You betcha!!!"

I hope that sharing my little exercise in weeding out disempowering thinking and beliefs helps you in some way. I'm sure many people can relate to what I've been going through and hopefully it'll help them make the most of not only their BFL program but their life in general... 

Doing better...

Just wanted to touch base and let you know how I'm doing. In a nutshell, I'm doing much better with the illness issues and I think I can see the light at the end of the tunnel... I came to the conclusion that the main problems were chronic infections in my sinuses and chest over the last several months, combined with extremely high testosterone levels. Even though I had lowered the dosage on my medication several months ago, my recent lab tests still show the level to be twice what it should be. That will cause significant problems with my sleep apnea and that explains why I had a hard time getting more than three or four hours of sleep a day for the last month...

I stopped taking that medication the last several days to let the levels come down, and the last two nights I have slept better than I have in months. And finally the antibiotics seem to have knocked out the respiratory infection. Both my endocrinologist and my allergy doctor have concluded that the chronic infections have made it almost impossible to manage my pituitary disorder effectively. This is mainly because the cortisol levels in your body have to adjust on an hour by hour basis to fight infection or any other stresses on the body. And since my body doesn't produce cortisol like a normal body,I have to try to mimic that by taking extra medication. And it's a real guessing game to try to figure out how much to take and when. So the plan of action is to start allergy shots immediately, which will make me much less likely to have sinus and respiratory problems. And I also have an appointment March 1 with the pituitary specialist at UCLA. My guess is he'll find something that's been overlooked by the other doctors.

Anyway I think I feel well enough to work out at the gym tomorrow. I'm certainly going to give it a shot! I can't emphasize how much not being able to sleep affects you! I like to think I do really good job in maintaining a positive outlook and that I can be a happy camper no matter what... But when you can't sleep and you're constantly exhausted all the time that's going to drag you down no matter who you are... The important thing is I'm moving in the right direction and I'm getting my confidence back that soon I'll be able to be doing BFL 100%. Man! I sure hope so!

And I don't mean to whine, but this has really been a rough time for me. Probably the biggest concern was my fear that this might turn into just another comeback that was shot down by illness. Since I first had problems with the pituitary disorder 10 years ago, I counted about 26 comeback attempts including my great successes last year. So I guess I'll just have to treat this one as number 27 and trust that I will ultimately succeed...

My guess is that I'll continue to improve quickly and be back on track within two weeks. I hope you all have a really great week and that things go well for you. And don't worry about me... I'll get my mojo back before you know! Yeah Baby!!! (Yuk! Yuk!)... 

Getting some answers for my medical issues...

I went to see my allergy doctor yesterday and I feel like I got a good understanding of why I have had so much trouble with illness the last several months. He said it looks like I've had a constant respiratory infection since last October! Although he gave me antibiotics back in October, it apparently never really went away. He said there's some particular strain of infection or virus or something that seems to go away but then thing keeps coming back. And with my underlying hormonal disorder the effects of that are greatly amplified. That would explain why I have been so exhausted on a frequent basis. And with the constant infection it would also cause me to have frequent hormonal imbalances.

Although I thought I was breathing a lot better, my lung function is still 30% below what it usually is. So it looks like my lung function was probably around 50% the last few weeks. After a long talk we came to the conclusion that because of my pituitary disorder, sinus and respiratory infections have a far more severe impact on me than they would a normal person. This is because your body normally secretes a great deal more cortisol to fight infections, and since that function doesn't work in my body it causes an imbalance. And that imbalance causes problems with the levels of the other hormones as well. We decided that it was crucial for me to start on allergy shots ASAP so that I can lessen my sensitivity to allergens.

He gave me some high-powered antibiotics and told me to stop exercising until next week. I'm encouraged to have somewhat of an explanation of what has been going on since last October, but it is frustrating to think that I had an infection for four months and that it is just now being treated effectively. But it's great to know what's going on and have a plan to treat it. I will be meeting with my endocrinologist on Wednesday to review my lab results and see what's going on with my hormone levels. I'm sure we'll have to make some adjustments there as well....

No wonder I was having so much trouble following my BFL program! I'm a bit frustrated about taking such a setback but I'm sure glad to think that I'm making progress getting on top of the medical issues and that with a little luck I'll be going full blast soon! Man! I sure hope so!!! 

Firing up my rockets...

For the last few weeks, I've been feeling kind of like the space shuttle stuck on the launch pad waiting for the weather to clear or mechanical problems (i.e. illness) to be fixed...anxiously waiting for the first opportunity to launch... Well, I finally got an opportunity to "fire my rockets"... Even though I'm still coughing up a little stuff from my lungs, I felt well enough on Friday to do a short upper body workout. And this afternoon I rode my bike for the first time in weeks. Although my short ride didn't do much physically, emotionally it was a real boost...it felt great to be back in the saddle! As usual I found myself working through the issues necessary to get myself in the right frame of mind to restart my fifth BFL challenge...

"All right buddy, be careful...you haven't been on the bike for a while. I'm sorry Jim you had such a rough time the last several weeks. And I'm sorry that you gained back some of the weight you fought so hard to lose last year. But with all the issues going on in your life the last few months along with the medical challenges, perhaps it was inevitable that you were going to take a hit. But that doesn't matter now... What matters now is that you're back on the bike...and back in the gym. You could've just given up a long time ago and probably nobody would have blamed you. But here you are climbing yet another hill on your bike... I know it has been hard accepting the fact that your long-time friends let you down... And I know Jim that you expected that after all these years after the divorce that you would've been remarried and had a family again... But sometimes in life all you really have to lean on is faith in yourself...and faith in God. And this is one of those times... So just keep on pedaling... We'll get those extra pounds off and before you know it you'll be on the cruise with your BFL buddies...and in the best shape of your life! Doesn't that sound great?! You betcha!!!"

I could tell that I have a long way to go to get my conditioning back and certainly my short ride today wasn't going to make much difference... at least not in a physical sense. I probably only rode my bike for about 3 or 4 miles, but I have to admit that from an emotional standpoint I felt like a covered a lot more ground than that...

Thanks for listening...